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Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. Discuss both views and give your opinion? v.2

Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. v. 2
Artists are highly respected in a society and individual governments provide benefits to ensure social security for their country's finest artists. Some consider that it is unnecessary, while others think it is important to offer help to struggling artists. On the one hand, most of the artists are capable of earning a decent amount of money depending on their skills, compared to the remaining mass. Indeed, many artists come under the wealthy class of society and most artists are self-employed and have enough talents and skills to earn money. For example, most of the craftsmen work for the Entertainment industry, which is a multi-million dollar business. Hence some people opine that artists are not suitable candidates for any public support scheme. On the other hand, many art forms are on the verge of extinction and are practised by performers, who needs great attention from the government. The artists who perform traditional art forms struggle financially and even find it difficult to support their family. Furthermore, traditional art forms were always a part of our culture and heritage, so it is crucial to preserve dying art forms which can only be done by supporting skilled artists, which otherwise, no longer exist. A recent report indicates that more than half of the traditional dance form in India are no longer performed, as there are not enough resources to train the artists. Therefore, in my opinion, a pragmatic approach is required to support artists, so that it can encourage young people who are talented to contribute to society in the form of art. In conclusion, Government support plays a significant role in motivating a talented person to pursue a career in art. As there are only a few artists who become successful financially, the other craftsmen often require a helping hand from the authorities to practice their passion.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Artists
are
highly
respected in a society and individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
provide benefits to ensure social security for their country's finest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
consider that it is unnecessary, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to struggling artists.

On the one hand, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are capable of earning a decent amount of money depending on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, compared to the remaining mass.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
under the wealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of society and most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are self-employed and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
talents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to earn money.
For example
, most of the craftsmen work for the Entertainment industry, which is a multi-million dollar business.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are not suitable candidates for any public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
scheme.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
are on the verge of extinction and are
Possible spelling mistake. 'practised' is British English.
practised
by performers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
needs great attention from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
perform traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
struggle
financially
and even find it difficult to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their family.
Furthermore
, traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
were always a part of our culture and heritage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is crucial to preserve dying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be done
by supporting skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
, which
otherwise
, no longer exist. A recent report indicates that more than half of the traditional dance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
form
in India are no longer performed, as there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
resources to train the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
Therefore
, in my opinion, a pragmatic approach
is required
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it can encourage young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are talented
to contribute to society in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
form
of art.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
plays a significant role in motivating a talented person to pursue a career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. As there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
become successful
financially
, the other craftsmen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
require a helping hand from the authorities to practice their passion.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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