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Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. Discuss both views and give your opinion? v.1

Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. v. 1
Art is an important part of national history, during the history, many nations disappeared, but their art and buildings are still here. Through Art they send us information about their lives, social organisation, and many other things. Also, they provide us information about the technology they used in their lives. Government should support people who will create trace of us, in this part of the time. Building specific buildings and parks will make our history more rich. The Egyptian pyramids were built before 5000 years and still they are evidence of those who lived in that time, through pictures and scrolls they left us many information about their lives. This kind of Art would get the attention of many tourists all across the world, which is the best way for getting a huge amount of money. However, there is always opposite side and opposite reasons for supporting artists. Art is not always attractive, sometimes people spent whole their life and all their money without success. These processes can be very long and very expensive, although it is the great way to leave something to next generations. Right now, there are all more an important things which are priority to make our lives better, rising salaries and getting better economy than investing in art. However, the world is facing many huge problems like poverty, crime and wars. From that point of view, there is unfortunately there is no enough space to spare a lot of money for supporting art. Although, it would be better to built building which will be recognized as Art of this era.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of national history, during the history,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations disappeared,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are
still
here. Through
The comma is probably missing here: "Art, they".
Art they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
us information about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, social
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other things.
Also
, they provide us information about the technology they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who will create trace of us, in this part of the time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Building
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
and parks will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our history more rich. The Egyptian pyramids
were built
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
5000 years and
still
they are evidence of those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in that time, through pictures and scrolls they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
us
Possible agreement error. The noun information seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much information", "a good deal of information".
many information
about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the attention of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tourists all across the world, which is the best way for getting a huge amount of money.

However
, there is always opposite side and opposite reasons for supporting artists.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is not always attractive,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spent whole their life and all their money without success. These processes can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
long and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive, although it is the great way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
something to
next
generations. Right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, there are all more an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "thing"?
things
which are priority to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better, rising salaries and getting better economy than investing in art.

However
, the world is facing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
huge problems like poverty, crime and wars. From that point of view, there is unfortunately there is no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
space to spare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money for supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. Although, it would be better to built
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
which will
be recognized
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
of this era.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that government should support artists, others have an opposite opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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