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Some people think that government should provide funds to the sportsman while other opine that private institutions should support them. Do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people think that government should provide funds to the sportsman while other opine that private institutions should support them. v. 1
Many believe that ruling authorities should provide funds to athletes while some believe that private companies should support the sports environment. In my opinion, I tend to agree that it is a responsibility of ruling authority to provide funds to sportsmen to encourage the sports environment. Moreover, I also believe that private institutions should sponsor the domestic tournaments to encourage the sports in the country. To begin with, sports should be encouraged from grass root level. The governance body should allocate resources to school sports fund as well as take care of those sportsmen, who are performing at top level, For instance, if a boy is good at some kind of sports, the government should take the responsibility of developing him. For the professionals, it is important that they will get rewarded for their excellent performance and with the support of the government, it will enhance healthier environment for the upcoming players. To sum up the it should be the priority of the government to finance athletes. In terms of private companies, both national and international companies should take an interest in sports and they should sponsor the domestic tournaments as well as international tournaments. Furthermore, It will be beneficial for both players and companies who want to market their company products. For example, Pepsi is sponsoring different teams, including Pakistan cricket team as cricket is watched by millions of people, which directly increase the marketing purposes for the brand. To conclude that private companies should also help with funding of sportsmen. In conclusion, the ruling authority should take full responsibility to take care of the players to enhance the career growth of sportsmen as well as to hire foreign coaches to flourish their skills while in terms of private companies, they should sponsor teams to encourage sports. In other words, both administration and private institutions should promote the sports culture.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that ruling authorities should provide funds to athletes while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
environment. In my opinion, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is a responsibility of ruling authority to provide funds to sportsmen to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
environment.
Moreover
, I
also
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
institutions should sponsor the domestic tournaments to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the country.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be encouraged
from grass root level. The governance body should allocate resources to school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fund
as well
as take care of those sportsmen, who are performing at
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
top level
,
For instance
, if a boy is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take the responsibility of developing him. For the professionals, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rewarded for their excellent performance and with the support of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, it will enhance healthier environment for the upcoming players. To sum up
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "it"?
the it
should be the priority of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to finance athletes.

In terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, both national and international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should take an interest in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sports and
they should sponsor the domestic tournaments
as well
as international tournaments.
Furthermore
, It will be beneficial for both players and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
who want to market their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
products.
For example
, Pepsi is sponsoring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
teams, including Pakistan cricket team as cricket is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
by millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which
directly
increase the marketing purposes for the brand.
To conclude
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with funding of sportsmen.

In conclusion
, the ruling authority should take full responsibility to take care of the players to enhance the career growth of sportsmen
as well
as to hire foreign coaches to flourish their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
while in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, they should sponsor teams to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In other words
, both administration and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
institutions should promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
culture.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that government should provide funds to the sportsman while other opine that private institutions should support them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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