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some people think that government should invest more in public services instead of wasting money on arts such as music and painting. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

some people think that government should invest more in public services instead of wasting money on arts such as music and painting. r8KBn
On the one side, art plays and vital role in our life to know about our culture and history. To explain it, art exhibition and other functions which are organised by experts of art are most helpful to enhance the knowledge. For instance recently I attended a art fair which was related to culture. Where I some those instruments which is used in early Years by our older people. By attending this exhibition I gain knowledge about historical things. Like as me many other people also interested in art. As a result the government should spend money on in art sector. Further more, many people relay on art. In other words, music and painting are earning source for some individuals. In this sector people show their talent and earn name and fame. As a example, there are many persons who get fame through music sector. Apart from this, art sector is totally depend on government fund. If lawmaker does not invest money on the sector then unemployment would be increased. People lost their jobs who work in this sector and people also lost the opportunity to show their talent. In conclusion, according to me, government should spend money on public facilities but art Sector cannot be ignored. I earlier mention that it is also important as Public Service.
On the one side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
plays and vital role in our life to know about our culture and history. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibition and other functions which are
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by experts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
are most helpful to enhance the knowledge.
For instance
recently I attended
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
which
was related
to culture.
“Where” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Where
I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
those instruments which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in early Years by our older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. By attending this exhibition I gain knowledge about historical things. Like as me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend money on in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
Further
more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relay on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
In other words
, music and painting are earning source for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their talent and earn name and fame. As
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
example, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
persons who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fame through music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
is
totally
Consider using a past participle here: "depended".
depend
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
fund. If lawmaker does not invest money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
then unemployment would
be increased
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
lost their jobs who work in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
lost the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their talent.
In conclusion
, according to me,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend money on public facilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sector
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. I earlier mention that it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as Public Service.
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IELTS essay some people think that government should invest more in public services instead of wasting money on arts such as music and painting.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
218 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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