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Some people think that government should focus on environmental pollution and housing problem to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that government should focus on environmental pollution and housing problem to help people prevent illness and disease. v. 1
With the advent of lifestyle, the environmental pollution and housing difficulties are flourishing. There is a dire need to control these activities so that human race don't suffer from these problems. I think government is the central authority who can curb these issues by taking hard steps. Therefore, I concur with this statement that the ruling head should focus on environmental fouling and housing worries. Firstly, I believe that protecting nature is the sole responsibility of the humans. People are deteriorating nature which in turn is affecting them. There are certain diseases and illnesses caused due to the deterioration and habitants. Like, lung infections caused by air contamination which is originated from the huge amount of emission of carbon dioxide from vehicles. Since people elect a government in their country to unite them and to take action on miss happenings. So, being the head, it should take some measures to eradicate these issues. Secondly, housing is the fundamental need of the masses. Everyone needs accommodation to live in this world. People are building homes wherever they get space. Like, humans are cleaning forests to build a place to live which further is the root problem of pollution. In addition to this, people are dwelling on the outskirts of the cities, and that too in bad conditions. All these activities lead to various health problems. In the end, I would like to say that the administration should keep an eye on the surrounding and housing issues, otherwise our nature will completely be sabotaged. The Ministry needs to take some steps, for example, imposing heavy taxes and giving hard imprisonment to activities that harm our lands in any way. Hence, concentration on these matters should be the topmost priority.
With the advent of lifestyle, the environmental pollution and housing difficulties are flourishing. There is a dire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to control these activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that human race don't suffer from these problems. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is the central authority who can curb these issues by taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
steps.
Therefore
, I concur with this statement that the ruling head should focus on environmental fouling and housing worries.

Firstly
, I believe that protecting nature is the sole responsibility of the humans.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are deteriorating nature which in turn is affecting them. There are certain diseases and illnesses caused due to the deterioration and habitants. Like, lung infections caused by air contamination which
is originated
from the huge amount of emission of carbon dioxide from vehicles. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
elect a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in their country to unite them and to take action on miss happenings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, being the head, it should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to eradicate these issues.

Secondly
, housing is the fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of the masses. Everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
accommodation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in this world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are building homes wherever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
space. Like, humans are cleaning forests to build a place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
which
further
is the root problem of pollution.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dwelling on the outskirts of the cities, and that too in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
conditions. All these activities lead to various health problems.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I would like to say that the

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
administration
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on the surrounding and housing issues,
otherwise
our nature will completely
be sabotaged
. The Ministry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps,
for example
, imposing heavy taxes and giving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
imprisonment to activities that harm our lands in any way.
Hence
, concentration on these matters should be the topmost priority.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that government should focus on environmental pollution and housing problem to help people prevent illness and disease. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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