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Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports yRPyl
With the ever-present concern for sports, the issue of abandoning dangerous activities has been much debated recently. Although many people are of the opinion that people should be given the opportunities to try out those demanding sports, I other individuals firmly oppose this point of view. On the one hand, people should be given the chance to do whatever they like for two certain reasons. Firstly, taking risks has always been attached to human instinct. Therefore, forcing people to stop means either eradicating one of the most fundamental parts of human beings or limiting their natural ability. Another inevitable reason is that many TV programs would be rendered obsolete if dangerous sports are banned because these shows could engross their audiences with terrifying activities. Fear factory with millions of viewers may exemplify this. Without these programs, TV stations and communication service companies might be financially influenced. On the other hand, I believe that the government that government shall impose some restricted policies on this area. First of all, a significantly high rate of deaths and injuries has been reported as regards this kind of sport. Because of the isolated venue or the severe conditions that may be involved in these activities, serious injuries are likely to occur. For instance, every year, an inordinate number of Everest mountain climbers have been treated in the hospital after fainting or shocking as there is insufficient oxygen for breathing at the top of the mountain. Furthermore mountain; furthermore, this can lead to long-term diseases imposing a disastrous effect on the rest of their lives. Moreover, many events take place in the forests, waterfalls, or rivers which are home to many wildlife creatures. Participants of these activities would accidentally invade the natural habitat resulting in ecological imbalance. Particularly, the invasion of the waterfall has led to a considerable decrease in the amount of fish in that area. In conclusion, while taking risks is a human instinct, we shall find measures to restrict it as the consequences attached to it are more concerning.
With the ever-present concern for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the issue of abandoning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
has been much debated recently. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunities to try out those demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, I other individuals
firmly
oppose this point of view.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the chance to do whatever they like for two certain reasons.
Firstly
, taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
has always
been attached
to human instinct.
Therefore
, forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
means either eradicating one of the most fundamental parts of human beings or limiting their natural ability. Another inevitable reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
TV programs would
be rendered
obsolete if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are banned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
could engross their audiences with terrifying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Fear factory with millions of viewers may exemplify this. Without these programs, TV stations and communication service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
might be
financially
influenced.

On the other hand
, I believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
shall impose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restricted policies on this area.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
significantly
high rate of deaths and injuries has
been reported
as regards this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the isolated venue or the severe conditions that may
be involved
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, serious injuries are likely to occur.
For instance
, every year, an inordinate number of Everest mountain climbers have
been treated
in the hospital after fainting or shocking as there is insufficient oxygen for breathing at the top of the mountain.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
mountain;
furthermore
, this can lead to long-term diseases imposing a disastrous effect on the rest of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
take place in the forests, waterfalls, or rivers which are home to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wildlife creatures. Participants of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would
accidentally
invade the natural habitat resulting in ecological imbalance.
Particularly
, the invasion of the waterfall has led to a considerable decrease in the amount of fish in that area.

In conclusion
, while taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
is a human instinct, we shall find measures to restrict it as the consequences attached to it are more concerning.
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IELTS essay Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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