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Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both the sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 1
It is important to tackle the growing problem of obesity among kids. While some people argue that it is the responsibility of the government to tackle this problem, in my opinion, parents are responsible increase in the number of obese children. This essay is going to highlight both the views and support them with relevant examples. Firstly, exercise, such as playing sport is important to control obesity. Although it is often mandatory for schools to have sports infrastructure, these days, many schools don't as the authorities usually approve their licences without prior inspections. For example, my cousin studies in a school that has classes for ten hours and does not include any physical activities as they lack the infrastructure. It can be a problem as physical well-being plays a crucial role in controlling obesity. The argument goes that, if the government conducts necessary check prior to approving a school, then these institutions may refrain from such irresponsible behaviour. Nevertheless, I believe, it is the responsibility of parents to guide their children to focus on physical activities. The reason is that children tend to listen to their parent's advice. However, most parents these days are interested only in the academic performance of their kids and prevent them from playing sport citing it as a waste of time. For instance, my friend's parents force him to attend private classes, which eats up all his time and prevents him from playing with other children. If parents encourage their offspring in sports along with studies, then the child may excel in both as physical activity helps improve mental ability. In conclusion, although it is important for the government to ensure that only institutions with proper sporting facilities are given permissions, in my view, it is the responsibility of parents to motivate their children to participate in sports considering that kids often listen to their parents.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to tackle the growing problem of obesity among kids. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that it is the responsibility of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to tackle this problem, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible increase in the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This essay is going to highlight both the views and support them with relevant examples.

Firstly
, exercise, such as playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to control obesity. Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
mandatory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
infrastructure, these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
don't as the authorities
usually
approve their
Possible spelling mistake. 'licences' is British English.
licences
without prior inspections.
For example
, my cousin studies in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
that has classes for ten hours and does not include any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities as they lack the infrastructure. It can be a problem as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
well-being plays a crucial role in controlling obesity. The argument goes that, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
conducts necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
prior to approving a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, then these institutions may refrain from such irresponsible
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Nevertheless
, I believe, it is the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to guide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. The reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to listen to their parent's advice.
However
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
these days
are interested
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in the academic performance of their kids and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
citing it as a waste of time.
For instance
, my friend's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
force him to attend private classes, which eats up all his time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
him from playing with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
encourage their offspring in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
along with studies, then the child may excel in both as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mental ability.

In conclusion
, although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to ensure that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
institutions with proper sporting facilities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
permissions, in my view, it is the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
considering that kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
listen to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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