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Some people think that giving children a certain amount of money every week will help them have fewer financial problem in the future. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that giving children a certain amount of money every week will help them have fewer financial problem in the future. v. 1
Money can be defined as the currency for the trading purpose and to authenticate the value of a product. Nowadays, it is commonly recognized that parents will give their children some money to let they have the ability of buying such as food, snack and stationary. However, the reason of giving money is to decrease the financial burden of children in the future. Hence, it is important for us to discuss whether it is necessary for children have the money. First of all, giving petty cash can ease the problem because children can save the remaining cash which can become a vast wealth later. Although parents supply a certain amount of money, if children are good to assign their cash and nurture the good behaviour of saving, it is definited that can benefit their future. Taking a news as an example, a man is involved in an accident unfortunately and urgently need the money for the treatment, it is unexpected that this problem is solved by his saving from childhood. Apparently, it is useful for children to have the pocket money when they are young. Apart from that, those children who are not the concept of saving are easily ran out the money that is given by their parents. Because of children are too young and have the capability to manage money appropriately, even if parents prepare a week's worth of money, they will spend all the money in one day. It is not exaggerating that children will do this thing, for they are easily adsorbed by various expensive products such as toys, games and cards. Despite children realise the importance and value of the money, it is hard for them to save cash for the future. In conclusion, I support that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages as this is good suggestion for children to foster a good attitude. Therefore, parents have the responsibility to educate their children using the money properly because prevention is better than cure.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
can
be defined
as the currency for the trading purpose and to authenticate the value of a product. Nowadays, it is
commonly
recognized that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
they have the ability of buying such as food, snack and stationary.
However
, the reason of giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is to decrease the financial burden of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the future.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to discuss whether it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the money.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, giving petty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can save the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
which can become a vast wealth later. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
supply a certain amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
to assign their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
and nurture the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of saving, it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
definited
that can benefit their future. Taking
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "news".
a news
as an example, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
is involved
in an accident unfortunately and
urgently
need the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the treatment, it
is unexpected
that this problem
is solved
by his saving from childhood.
Apparently
, it is useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have the pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when they are young.

Apart from that, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are not the concept of saving are
easily
Consider using a past participle here: "run".
ran
out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are too young and have the capability to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
appropriately
, even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
prepare a week's worth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they will spend all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in one day. It is not exaggerating that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will do this thing, for they are
easily
adsorbed by various expensive products such as toys, games and cards. Despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the importance and value of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
for the future.

In conclusion
, I support that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages as this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
suggestion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to foster a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
attitude.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the responsibility to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
properly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
prevention is better than cure.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that giving children a certain amount of money every week will help them have fewer financial problem in the future. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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