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Some people think that economic success provide happiness, other think that other factors provide happiness.

Some people think that economic success provide happiness, other think that other factors provide happiness. RVQ6W
It is generally reckoned by some individuals that personal pleasure is inextricably associated to financial success; however, others ponder that satisfaction relies on other aspects. According to my perspective, eternal happiness comes from real and sound relations in family as if a person is not happy in his home; he feels distress; then he can not get satisfaction from the materialistic things. Proponents of first view hold the opinion of gratification in monetary success as a person is able to fulfill his desires and wants, owing the individuals have good social status; they feel privileged. Proving ahead, a affluent person not only fulfill his dreams, but also live a luxuries and respectful life; that give him satisfaction. A good example of this is the celebrities lead a happy life as either they have strong financial status, or they have all the possessions, that give him gratification. Hence, it is clearly evident that economic success has been play an indispensable role in personal pleasure. Opponents of the foremost view support the notion of eternal happiness comes from real and sound relations for the reason if the environment of the house is full of peace, their is no conflict between family members; then a person either feels happy, or he is away from depression. Also, if individuals have the ability to assist others; then they will get more internal satisfaction. Moreover, all people believe that health is wealth; so, if a person is healthy; then definitely he is eternally satisfied. For instance, the Australian government has conducted a survey on the gratification of people; the survey concludes that the healthy persons are more satisfy than the unhealthy individuals. Therefore, it is vivid from the above that eternal satisfaction lies in healthy fit body and in good family relations. To conclude, I believe that the happy family, healthy body and assistance provide more personal pleasure than the materialistic things.
It is
generally
reckoned by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
that personal pleasure is
inextricably
associated to financial success;
however
, others ponder that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
relies on other aspects. According to my perspective, eternal happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from real and sound relations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in his home; he feels distress; then he can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
from the materialistic things.

Proponents of
first
view hold the opinion of gratification in monetary success as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is able to fulfill his desires and wants, owing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
social status; they feel privileged. Proving ahead,
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fulfill his dreams,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a luxuries and respectful life; that give him
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is the celebrities lead a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
life as either they have strong financial status, or they have all the possessions, that give him gratification.
Hence
, it is
clearly
evident that economic success has been play an indispensable role in personal pleasure.

Opponents of the foremost view support the notion of eternal happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from real and sound relations for the reason if the environment of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is full of peace,
Did you mean "there"?
their
is no conflict between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members; then a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
either feels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, or he is away from depression.
Also
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
have the ability to assist others; then they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more internal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
.
Moreover
, all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that health is wealth;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
; then definitely he is
eternally
satisfied.
For instance
, the Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has conducted a survey on the gratification of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
; the survey concludes that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
are more satisfy than the unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
.
Therefore
, it is vivid from the above that eternal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
lies in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
fit body and in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relations.

To conclude
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body and assistance provide more personal pleasure than the materialistic things.
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IELTS essay Some people think that economic success provide happiness, other think that other factors provide happiness.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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