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An increasing number of people choose plastic surgery. İs it positive or negative development?

An increasing number of people choose plastic surgery. İs it positive or negative development? 7LVyY
An promoting number of adolescent wants plastic surgery. Major adolescents cannot live without plastic surgery this which painful for individual. It is known that, sometimes spot may be congenital on our face. However, this is not excuse for surgery. That is why, if we think more intelligent than we will see that cosmetic surgery is harmful for people. First of all, people do it for getting youth but they do not know that every age has got its own beauty. It may influence negative sometimes and people are victim of surgery. Otherwise, adolescent will see damage from it. Therefore, juveniles must avoid from this surgery. If juveniles use from operations, then they will depend from this bad habit. Therefore, this will affect both their psychology and biology. In my opinion, these surgeries will be reason to divorce. That is why, increasing numbers of divorce. For example, adolescents will be angry when someone say ugly to them and they will want to be surgery again. In second place, I would like to talk about congenital spots. These spots may be in everybody and sometimes spots appear where people do not want in place. Subsequently, this can grow and really it affects bad view of adolescent. For instance, only this time it can be better but surgery does not influence to health of juveniles. In conclusion, various plastic surgeries are needing in a higher demand nowadays. Plastic surgery is harmful but sometimes everybody can need to it. As for me, it is not right to criticize.
Use "A" instead of 'An' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
An
promoting number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescent
wants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery. Major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery this which painful for individual. It
is known
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spot
may be congenital on our face.
However
, this is not excuse for surgery.
That is
why, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more intelligent than we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that cosmetic surgery is harmful for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do it for getting youth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not know that every age has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
beauty. It may influence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are victim of surgery.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescent
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
damage from it.
Therefore
, juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
avoid from this surgery. If juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
from operations, then they will
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
from this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit.
Therefore
, this will affect both their psychology and biology. In my opinion, these surgeries will be reason to divorce.
That is
why, increasing numbers of divorce.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
will be angry when someone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "saith", "says".
say
ugly to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they will want to be surgery again.

In second place, I would like to talk about congenital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spots
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spots
may be in everybody and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spots
appear where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not want in place.
Subsequently
, this can grow and
really
it affects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
view of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescent
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this time it can be better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
surgery does not influence to health of juveniles.

In conclusion
, various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgeries
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
in a higher demand nowadays.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Plastic
surgery is harmful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sometimes
everybody can need to it. As for me, it is not right to criticize.
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IELTS essay An increasing number of people choose plastic surgery. İs it positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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