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Some people think that children should start primary school as soon as possible, while others believe they should start school after reaching 7 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people think that children should start primary school as soon as possible, while others believe they should start school after reaching 7 years old. v. 1
It is well said that children must go to primary school as fast as possible, on the other side others think that children should start school after reaching 7 years old. I strongly believe that I have different view about the statement and I will provide my opinions about it. To begin with, we need to train children behaviour before applying to primary school because if the children don't behave as properly as possible I believe this aspect will interrupt children learning process. Moreover, there is a research conducted by a team consisting of sociology students from Monash University. They said children that were forced to enter school earlier than others have more tendency to ignore school lessons and regulations. In addition, we must watch over our children behaviour until they are mature enough to go to school. The next, we don't need to be hurry we can wait until our children are ready to participate in school life because if we persuade them to go earlier there might be a chance where children cannot understand the whole materials at school because their capability to learn is still low and need to be train a lot. For example; there is a case in Indonesia when this child has already graduated from kindergarden with low score and low ability to read or even write. His mother wanted to register her son immediately to primary school, because she thought that if her son can finish his education faster than usual he can be magnificently successful in the future. In fact, her son cannot learn and concentrate at school, therefore he need to postpone his primary school. To conclude, we must be careful before making decision.
It is well said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
as possible, on the other side others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
after reaching 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. I
strongly
believe that I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
view about the statement and I will provide my opinions about it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to train
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
applying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
don't behave as
properly
as possible I believe this aspect will interrupt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learning process.
Moreover
, there is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by a team consisting of sociology students from Monash University. They said
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that
were forced
to enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
earlier than others have more tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
lessons and regulations.
In addition
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
over our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
until they are mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to go to school.

The
next
, we don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "hurried".
hurry
we can wait until our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are ready to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if we persuade them to go earlier there might be a chance where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot understand the whole materials at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their capability to learn is
still
low and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "trained".
train
a lot.
For example
; there is a case in Indonesia when this child has already graduated from
Possible spelling mistake found.
kindergarden
with low score and low ability to read or even write. His mother wanted to register her son immediately to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that if her son can finish his education faster than usual he can be
magnificently
successful in the future. In fact, her son cannot learn and concentrate at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
therefore
he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to postpone his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
school.

To conclude
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be careful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making decision.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think that children should start primary school as soon as possible, while others believe they should start school after reaching 7 years old. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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