Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (eg: uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion v.2

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (eg: uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion v. 2
While some are of the opinion that the youngsters should also be raised up by the rest of the family. For instance, by their uncles, aunties and grandparents instead of only the biological parents. In my point of view, I totally agree with this and believe that it is more significant. First of all, there will be less pressure on the mum and dad. The reason for this is that there are more people who are supporting them with the upbringing of their child. In other words, they do not have to do everything on their own. For example, living with your parents is a positive point. This can make the development of your counterparts a lot easier. Moreover, the grandparents can help by collecting their grandchildren from the educational institutes. So that's why, the parents will be less stressed out and can also focus on their own dreams. Secondly, making a great relationship with your relatives is necessary for the future life. This is because that they are the only group people who are helping you in good and bad circumstances. For example, friends are here for a short time of period, but family will be always here to take you out of the problem, which is created. All in all, be thankful for them and appreciate their presents. To conclude, there is a group that believes that all the family members should assist in raising up your child. In my opinion, I totally agree with this, because it's building up a connection. Furthermore, it is less stressful and it makes the child more socialized in the community.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that the youngsters should
also
be raised
up by the rest of the family.
For instance
, by their uncles, aunties and grandparents
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the biological parents. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this and believe that it is more significant.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there will be less pressure on the mum and dad.
The reason for this is
that there are more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are supporting them with the upbringing of their child.
In other words
, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do everything on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
For example
, living with your parents is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
point. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the development of your counterparts a lot easier.
Moreover
, the grandparents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
by collecting their grandchildren from the educational institutes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, the parents will be less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out and can
also
focus on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
dreams.

Secondly
, making a great relationship with your relatives is necessary for the future life. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that they are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are helping you in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
circumstances.
For example
, friends are here for a short time of period,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
family will be always here to take you out of the problem, which
is created
. All in all, be thankful for them and appreciate their presents.

To conclude
, there is a group that believes that all the family members should assist in raising up your child. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it's building up a connection.
Furthermore
, it is less stressful and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the child more socialized in the community.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (eg: uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts