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Some people think that advertising aimed at children should be banned because of negative effects. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that advertising aimed at children should be banned because of negative effects. DaYdm
Some people argued that commercials whose target is children should be banned since it often puts detrimental impacts on their audience. However, I firmly hold the view that there are two sides to every story, thus such bans is not necessarily a good idea. On the negative side, it is undeniable that advertising might but intense drawbacks on children. To begin with, children are susceptible to advertising content and are easily manipulated. As a result, they would pester their parents for the advertised products and behave if their parents refuse to fulfill it, which would weaken the family bond. Furthermore, kids are more likely to adopt a new bad habit of eating unhealthily. A large number of companies whose commercials specifically aimed at children are often brands selling fast food, soft drinks, or products containing high amounts of sugar since they are extremely attractive to children, and excessive consumption of these products could lead to health deficiencies such as obesity, diabetes, and cavities. Despite the above argument, I am of the opinion that putting a ban on advertising aimed at children is not reasonable. Firstly, advertising is considered to be one of the key aspects of a prosperous economy, therefore, such bans would severely affect not only businesses but also employees. For instance, if the corporations are not allow to promote products to their target audience, they could suffer a decrease in revenue and eventually force many people out of employment, including staff, suppliers, and marketers, et cetera. In addition, there are still positive messages in commercials, especially from educational brands. Therefore, instead of a complete ban, there should be stricter censorship on promoted content. To sum up, we can not deny the negative impact that advertising might put on children, it should not be banned completely thanks to several benefits for the target audiences.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argued that commercials whose target is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be banned
since it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
puts detrimental impacts on their audience.
However
, I
firmly
hold the view that there are two sides to every story,
thus
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bans
is not
necessarily
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, it is undeniable that advertising might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
intense drawbacks on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are susceptible to advertising content and are
easily
manipulated.
As a result
, they would pester their parents for the advertised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and behave if their parents refuse to fulfill it, which would weaken the family bond.
Furthermore
, kids are more likely to adopt a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit of eating
unhealthily
.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
whose commercials
specifically
aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
brands selling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food, soft drinks, or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
containing high amounts of sugar since they are
extremely
attractive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and excessive consumption of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
could lead to health deficiencies such as obesity, diabetes, and cavities. Despite the above argument, I am of the opinion that putting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
on advertising aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not reasonable.
Firstly
, advertising
is considered
to be one of the key aspects of a prosperous economy,
therefore
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bans
would
severely
affect not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
businesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
employees.
For instance
, if the corporations are not
Consider using a past participle here: "allowed".
allow
Did you mean "promoting"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to their target audience, they could suffer a decrease in revenue and
eventually
force
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
out of employment, including staff, suppliers, and marketers,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
.
In addition
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
messages in commercials,
especially
from educational brands.
Therefore
,
instead
of a complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
, there should be stricter censorship on promoted content. To sum up, we can not deny the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact that advertising might put on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it should not
be banned
completely thanks to several benefits for the target audiences.
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IELTS essay Some people think that advertising aimed at children should be banned because of negative effects.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
305 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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