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Some people think students should be encouraged to begin working after they have graduated from senior high school, while others think student should attend university first and then begin to work. Discuss and state your view.

Some people think students should be encouraged to begin working after they have graduated from senior high school, while others think student should attend university first and then begin to work. Discuss and state your view. mb5Pr
It is argued by many individuals that teenagers should start doing work when they they complete their senior secondary, whereas, others believe that tertiary education is important before starting work. I will discuss both views along my opinion in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, the main reason why children should begin work, after getting secondary education, is that they are able to stand on their feet. This is because after completing senior school, they have enough knowledge about different job sectors. They can do work according to their interest. They will become independent and will earn money to complete their basic needs by themselves. Moreover, they will also learn the value of money and will spend it according to their requirements instead of using on unnecessary things. For instance, in developed nations such as Canada, America and many others, adolescents start doing job in their teenage and stand on their feet rather than depending on their guardians. On the other hand, university education is also important for various reasons. The primary factor is the deep knowledge of particular domain. In secondary education, pupils do study only to achieve good marks in exams. However, in tertiary education system, they get deep knowledge of syllabus regarding their subjects and become expert in their field. After getting professional education, they have lots of opportunities to do work in highly paid vocations and do not have fear to remain unemployed in their upcoming life. Thus, they can earn substantial amount of money. In conclusion, after analysing both the paragraphs, I would like to say that it depends on the personal choice of students that they want to get further study or prefer to begin a work.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
when
Possible typo: you repeated a word
they they
complete their senior secondary, whereas, others believe that tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I will discuss both views along my opinion in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, the main reason why children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, after getting secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, is that they are able to stand on their feet. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after completing senior school, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
job sectors. They can do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
according to their interest. They will become independent and will earn money to complete their basic needs by themselves.
Moreover
, they will
also
learn the value of money and will spend it according to their requirements
instead
of using on unnecessary things.
For instance
, in developed nations such as Canada, America and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others, adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing job in their teenage and stand on their feet
rather
than depending on their guardians.
On the other hand
, university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for various reasons. The primary factor is the deep knowledge of particular domain. In secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, pupils do study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to achieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks in exams.
However
, in tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
deep knowledge of syllabus regarding their subjects and become expert in their field. After getting professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, they have lots of opportunities to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
highly
paid vocations and do not have fear to remain unemployed in their upcoming life.
Thus
, they can earn substantial amount of money.
In conclusion
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both the paragraphs, I would like to say that it depends on the personal choice of students that they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
further
study or prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.

IELTS essay Some people think students should be encouraged to begin working after they have graduated from senior high school, while others think student should attend university first and then begin to work. Discuss and state your view.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
283 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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