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Some people believe that sport has an important role in society. Others, however, feel that it is nothing more than a leisure activity for some people. v.8

Some people believe that sport has an important role in society. Others, however, feel that it is nothing more than a leisure activity for some people. v. 8
Nowadays, there has been a positive trend that sport has gained popularity in society. However, others think that sport just leisure activity. In my perspective, both parties are reasonable which I will elaborate below First of all, it is undeniable fact that there are some reasons why sports is essential to society. One of the reasons is that people can become healthier than ever before. By playing sports frequently, people can release toxin from their body in order to help the government to save money which is allocated for health insurance's residents. For example, the number of obesity and heart attack, today, decrease significantly throughout the world because of sports implementation. Another reason is that young generations are able to cultivate a good habit. With the rapid advancement of technology, they tend to do sedentary activities such as playing computer games and chatting through social media as well. If parents encourage their children to do sport instead of playing games at home, children can improve their social interaction with peers. However, there are opposing arguments saying that a sport is nothing more than a leisure activity. It is true that sport can be counted as a leisure activity because not everyone has the abilities and potentials to become professional sports person. Therefore, people generally consider it a simple activity for relaxing their mind and body during holidays. Apart from this, many families see sport as the way to strengthen the sense of belonging to relatives especially for children because parents' time is spent more to do job tasks and put less care on them. All things considered, although some people believe that leisure activity is the same as sport, I still think that sport plays an important role in the society because it has brought advantages to people in terms of health and social areas.
Nowadays, there has been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has gained popularity in society.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. In my perspective, both parties are reasonable which I will elaborate
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
below


This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is undeniable fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is essential to society. One of the reasons is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become healthier than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. By playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
frequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can release toxin from their body in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to save money which
is allocated
for health insurance's residents.
For example
, the number of obesity and heart attack,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, decrease
significantly
throughout the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
implementation. Another reason is that young generations are able to cultivate a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habit. With the rapid advancement of technology, they tend to do sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as playing computer games and chatting through social media
as well
. If parents encourage their children to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
instead
of playing games at home, children can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their social interaction with peers.

However
, there are opposing arguments saying that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is nothing more than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can
be counted
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not everyone has the abilities and potentials to become professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
person.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generally
consider it a simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
for relaxing their mind and body during holidays. Apart from this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
as the way to strengthen the sense of belonging to relatives
especially
for children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
parents' time
is spent
more to do job tasks and put less care on them.

All things considered, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has brought advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of health and social areas.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that sport has an important role in society. Others, however, feel that it is nothing more than a leisure activity for some people. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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