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Some people think new homes need to be built with private outdoor space such as a garden, yard, or balcony. Do you think this is more advantageous or more disadvantageous?

Some people think new homes need to be built with private outdoor space such as a garden, yard, or balcony. Do you think this is more advantageous or more disadvantageous? m11k1
It is true that some people think new homes need private outdoor space such as a beautiful garden, big yard and gallery. This essay will firstly, discuss homes needing private outdoor space as one of the advantages of this and secondly, outline decreasing levels of face to face talk with neighbours as one of the main disadvantages. One of the principle advantages of It is it gives additional looks of home. These features are actually advantageous for new generation homes. People will walk in the garden and get pure and fresh air. It is very helpful for the human body. People can relax on their balconies and view beautiful natural scenes. For example, people will sit in their garden with their family and talk with each other so that it increases interaction between their family members. Children can play physical games in their beautiful garden or big yard. We know, nowadays everywhere there are companies so that playing gardens are decreasing, So children can not do physical activities such as cricket, running and many more. The main disadvantage associated with increasing the range between two homes is that people to people communication will reduce compared to before. Furthermore, people waste money in building more luxurious homes for their own personality. For instance, luxurious homes need CCTV cameras so that people can waste money behind the camera but it is not actually necessary. In conclusion, the benefits of private outdoor space to home are, such as people enjoy their life in a pure atmosphere.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
need private outdoor space such as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
garden
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
yard and gallery. This essay will
firstly
, discuss
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
needing private outdoor space as one of the advantages of this and
secondly
, outline decreasing levels of face to face talk with
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
as one of the main disadvantages.

One of the
Did you mean "principal" (=main)?
principle
advantages of It is it gives additional looks of home. These features are actually advantageous for new generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will walk in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
garden
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pure and fresh air. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for the human body.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can relax on their balconies and view
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
natural scenes.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will sit in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
garden
with their family and talk with each other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it increases interaction between their family members. Children can play physical games in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
garden
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
yard. We know, nowadays everywhere there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gardens
are decreasing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
children can not do physical activities such as cricket, running and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

The main disadvantage associated with increasing the range between two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
communication will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
compared to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
waste money in building more luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personality.
For instance
, luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
need CCTV cameras
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can waste money behind the camera
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not actually necessary.

In conclusion
, the benefits of private outdoor space to home are, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy their life in a pure atmosphere.
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IELTS essay Some people think new homes need to be built with private outdoor space such as a garden, yard, or balcony. Do you think this is more advantageous or more disadvantageous?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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