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Some people think it is more important to spend time developing their career while others think time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think it is more important to spend time developing their career while others think time with friends and family is more important. v. 1
It is commonly believed by many that people should focus on developing a successful career as it offers a self satisfaction along with the fulfilment of basic needs. However, others tend to oppose this idea and consider that one should spend their entire time with family and friends because at the end they are the one that has utmost importance. In my opinion, both family and career have their own equal importance in an individual’s life. To begin with, those who opine that people should concentrate more on the development of their career can easily point out the importance of a job in a real life. That is to say, in the modern world, people have to work very hard to earn the basic necessities including food, shelter and clothing and if one is not able to afford so, he would probably end up destroying his relationships with the family because family members need a money to satisfy their desires. Certainly, a good job not only brings the happiness to the family, but also offers an ultimate level of satisfaction to the person itself. On the other hand, there are various reasons why people feel that one should spend their quality time with friends and family instead of earning money. Firstly, most relations is very delicate, and they need the love and support of their fellow mates at all the times, otherwise they would get weak. For instance, according to a research conducted by the University of British Columbia, a vast majority of kids are more likely to involve themselves in the illegal activities including robbery and theft if parents are not watching their activities closely. Secondly, it is highly likely for people to move out to fulfil their dreams and aspirations if they consider that their career is more important, which means parents will be left alone in the hometowns with no one to take of them. To conclude, both money and relations have their own unique importance in one’s life and one cannot stay happy without either having money to satisfy the needs or the family to provide love and affection.
It is
commonly
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should focus on developing a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
as it offers a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self satisfaction
along with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
However
, others tend to oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and consider that one should spend their entire time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
they are the one that has utmost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
. In my opinion, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
in an individual’s life.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those who opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should concentrate more on the development of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
can
easily
point out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
of a job in a real life.
That is
to say, in the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
including food, shelter and clothing and if one is not able to afford
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, he would
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up destroying his relationships with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to satisfy their desires.
Certainly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
brings the happiness to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
offers an ultimate level of satisfaction to the person itself.

On the other hand
, there are various reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that one should spend their quality time with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
instead
of earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Firstly
, most relations is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
delicate, and they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and support of their fellow mates at all the times,
otherwise
they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
weak.
For instance
, according to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by the University of British Columbia, a vast majority of kids are more likely to involve themselves in the illegal activities including robbery and theft if parents are not watching their activities
closely
.
Secondly
, it is
highly
likely for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out to fulfil their dreams and aspirations if they consider that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, which means parents will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone in the hometowns with no one to take of them.

To conclude
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and relations have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
in one’s life and one cannot stay happy without either having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to satisfy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend time developing their career while others think time with friends and family is more important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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