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Some people think fame does more harm than good to young people. Do you agree?

Some people think fame does more harm than good to young people. Do you agree? 6xaEl
The fame is becoming a matter of concern among young people, as many of them want to achieve it. As a result, it can be argued that being famous will be more detrimental to the youth than beneficial. In my opinion, I partly agree with this viewpoint. On the one hand, there are several advantages of being famous to the life of youngsters. Firstly, young people can make a huge amount of money with the help of fame, which means that they can be financially independent and their parents would relieve the financial burden in some respects. Furthermore, being a celebrity is accompanied with having more fans. Henceforth, the young may feel more inspirational because of the appreciations from the followers; therefore, the confidence and the sense of recognition might be gained in the youth’s personalities. On the other hand, the fame also brings a few potential drawbacks to the children. First and foremost, the privacy of young celebrities could be disturbed under the microscope of newspaper and paparazzi, meaning that they have to be careful with their behaviors or their speeches in the public, which is said to bring the inconvenience and annoyance. Moreover, the fame can lead to the bad habits among people because of the abundance in finance. This can be seen in the circumstance that some young artists with a huge amount of income may have drug addiction, which will ruin their mental and physical heath. In conclusion, while the fame can jeopardize the life of youngsters, I suppose that they can be advantageous as the money and the admiration from fans will make their life easier.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
is becoming a matter of concern among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them want to achieve it.
As a result
, it can
be argued
that being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
will be more detrimental to the youth than beneficial. In my opinion, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

On the one hand, there are several advantages of being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
to the life of youngsters.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a huge amount of money with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
, which means that they can be
financially
independent and their parents would relieve the financial burden in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
respects.
Furthermore
, being a celebrity is
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
having more fans. Henceforth, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
may feel more inspirational
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the appreciations from the followers;
therefore
, the confidence and the sense of recognition might
be gained
in the youth’s personalities.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
also
brings a few potential drawbacks to the children.
First
and foremost, the privacy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
celebrities could
be disturbed
under the microscope of newspaper and paparazzi, meaning that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be careful with their behaviors or their speeches in the public, which
is said
to bring the inconvenience and annoyance.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
can lead to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the abundance in finance. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the circumstance that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
artists with a huge amount of income may have drug addiction, which will ruin their mental and physical heath.

In conclusion
, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
can jeopardize the life of youngsters, I suppose that they can be advantageous as the money and the admiration from fans will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life easier.

IELTS essay Some people think fame does more harm than good to young people. Do you agree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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