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Some people store personal and private information online including banking contacts and addresses Is it a positive or negative trend v.1

Some people store personal and private information online including banking contacts and addresses Is it a positive or negative trend v. 1
The world is developing faster than before. Accordingly, being skilful is essential for both men and women. In this regard, some people believe that the males are more competitive than females, as they are physically strong and can pay their attention on the one task, observing the process more deeply. However, others feel that nowadays, women can succeed in many fields, as they are organized and good at multitasking. On the one hand, it is true that men are physically stronger, this ability can help them to be competitive in the physically demanding jobs such as mining, construction and agriculture. That is to say, they can succeed in these spheres more easily than their counterpart. Furthermore, they are able to focus on the task more deeply than their counterpart. To illustrate, many of them are good at in certain professions and spheres, whereas they rival can be productive on multitasking. Accordingly, they cannot pay all their attention on the ongoing process. On the other hand, it is clear that due to advanced technologies, the world is developing fast. Accordingly, many types of the jobs are disappearing, especially, the occupations which are depends on the physical strength. Consequently, these changes can improve the situation for females, as their abilities and capabilities will be more valued than males. Moreover, they are good at multitasking, and because of this skill, they can become more demanding. For instance, there are many types of the jobs, which are related to the multitasking, such as administrative works and leadership. As a result, the females can be productive in these areas. In conclusion, although many people reckon to think that males are naturally more competitive than females, others feel that the world is developing faster than before, and in the near future, women can use their full potential. As a result, they will become more demanding than their counterpart.
The world is developing faster than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Accordingly
, being
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
is essential for both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the males are more competitive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
, as they are
physically
strong and can pay their attention on the one task, observing the process more
deeply
.
However
, others feel that nowadays, women can succeed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, as they
are organized
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at multitasking.

On the one hand, it is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are
physically
stronger, this ability can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be competitive in the
physically
demanding jobs such as mining, construction and agriculture.
That is
to say, they can succeed in these spheres more
easily
than their counterpart.
Furthermore
, they are able to focus on the task more
deeply
than their counterpart. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at in certain professions and spheres, whereas they rival can be productive on multitasking.
Accordingly
, they cannot pay all their attention on the ongoing process.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that due to advanced technologies, the world is developing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of the jobs are disappearing,
especially
, the occupations which are depends on the physical strength.
Consequently
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
, as their abilities and capabilities will be more valued than males.
Moreover
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at multitasking, and
because of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, they can become more demanding.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of the jobs, which
are related
to the multitasking, such as administrative works and leadership.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
can be productive in these areas.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reckon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that males are
naturally
more competitive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
, others feel that the world is developing faster than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and in the near future, women can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their full potential.
As a result
, they will become more demanding than their counterpart.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people store personal and private information online including banking contacts and addresses Is it a positive or negative trend v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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