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Some people spend money on sport and cultural event. Do you think this is good or bad?

Some people spend money on sport and cultural event. Do you think this is good or bad? QLo8b
These days, the colossal upsurge in the interest of people towards sporting and cultural events is quite alarming. While some see it as beneficial, others are of a contrary opinion. Personally, I completely agree that it is significant due to its individual and economic benefits. The remainder of this essay shall expatiate on my reasons. To begin with, events like sports and cultural activities are available to impact individuals. Entertainment is derived from these events, which helps to reduce tension and stress because, an increasing number of individuals are able to forget their worries and anxiety. For example, a research conducted by a sport coach in England two years ago, revealed that 70% of youths hardly ever do without watching soccer because it helps lift the burden off their minds. Allied to this, cultural events play vital roles in assisting inhabitants of a country towards embracing and appreciating their culture, resulting in in-depth Knowledge of their moral values and way of life. Furthermore, it is economically important to engage in sports and culture. Countries around the world yearly allocate budgets for these activities because of the tourist attraction it fosters, thereby, generating income to the government. For instance, according to a budget analyst in Nigeria, the annual Calabar festival is expected to generate just over Two hundred billion Naira in 2021. Moreover, these financial proceeds can be utilized to restructure the necessary sectors in the country such as, repairing dilapidated roads and providing social amenities in order to enhance the nation's development. Overall, the anxiety for sport and cultural engagements is proliferating. Although, some thinkers believe it is not ideal, however, I totally support those who view it as crucial, due to its personal and societal plus-impact.
These days, the colossal upsurge in the interest of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
towards sporting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is quite alarming. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it as beneficial, others are of a contrary opinion.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is significant due to its individual and economic benefits. The remainder of this essay shall expatiate on my reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
activities are available to impact individuals. Entertainment
is derived
from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
tension and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, an increasing number of individuals are able to forget their worries and anxiety.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
coach in England two years ago, revealed that 70% of youths hardly ever do without watching soccer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
lift the burden off their minds. Allied to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
play vital roles in assisting inhabitants of a country towards embracing and appreciating their culture, resulting in in-depth Knowledge of their moral values and way of life.

Furthermore
, it is
economically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and culture. Countries around the world yearly allocate budgets for these activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the tourist attraction it fosters, thereby, generating income to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
For instance
, according to a budget analyst in Nigeria, the annual
Possible spelling mistake found.
Calabar
festival is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to generate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over Two hundred billion
Possible spelling mistake found.
Naira
in 2021.
Moreover
, these financial proceeds can
be utilized
to restructure the necessary sectors in the country such as, repairing dilapidated roads and providing social amenities in order to enhance the nation's development.

Overall
, the anxiety for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
engagements is proliferating. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
thinkers believe it is not ideal,
however
, I
totally
support those who view it as crucial, due to its personal and societal plus-impact.
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IELTS essay Some people spend money on sport and cultural event. Do you think this is good or bad?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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