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Some people say that university students should focus on study as this is last step of education while other consider that they need to be involve in all activities which are beneficial. Discuss both views give your opinion ?

Some people say that university students should focus on study as this is last step of education while other consider that they need to be involve in all activities which are beneficial. aVyAm
Undoubtedly, education plays a part and parcel role in everyone's life while some people claim that students should be indulged in other activities rather than study. I will examine both views with benefits of education and activities in upcoming paragraphs. To commence with first justification education is an essential part of student's life which gives profound knowledge as well as career prospects according to their study moreover, with the help of education pupils learn about the moral values which assist to lead a good personality among others. Therefore students quite interests should be on their study for example with education students can choose own career path. Another side, as much as education is necessary more than that need to get involved in recreational activities such as sports, paintings, Iq level competitions which enhance focus on the mentality as well physically level. In addition to students can know about talent which gives a career path, for instance, sports competitions which assist learners who are keenly interested to play, therefore, organizing this kind of activity provide a platform to poor and economically weaker students. In my perspective education and activities has their importance it should be compulsory in schools. To above mentioned all the reasons it can be concluded that while focusing on study students should participate another activity which will be lucrative in their future.
Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays a part and parcel role in everyone's life while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be indulged
in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. I will examine both views with benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in upcoming paragraphs. To commence with
first
justification
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is an essential part of student's life which gives profound knowledge
as well
as career prospects according to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
moreover
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
pupils learn about the moral values which assist to lead a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
personality among others.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
quite interests should be on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for example
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can choose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career path. Another side, as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is necessary more than that need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as sports, paintings,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Iq
level competitions which enhance focus on the mentality
as well
physically
level.
In addition
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can know about talent which gives a career path,
for instance
, sports competitions which assist learners who are
keenly
interested to play,
therefore
, organizing this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
provide a platform to poor and
economically
weaker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In my perspective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
has their importance it should be compulsory in schools.

To above mentioned all the reasons it can
be concluded
that while focusing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should participate another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
which will be lucrative in their future.
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IELTS essay Some people say that university students should focus on study as this is last step of education while other consider that they need to be involve in all activities which are beneficial.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
224 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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