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Some people say that space exploration is too expensive. They believe that fund should be spent on issues that are more important. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that space exploration is too expensive. They believe that fund should be spent on issues that are more important. 2lDJo
According to some, it costs too much to explore space. They claim that other more crucial areas should get the investment. Funding space exploration seems far more sensible for me due to limited resource of earth as well as overpopulation. The demand for basic requirement of humanity is going up every year. To deal with, this high amount of gas, coal and oil are used. As there is the limit in their amount, it would be advantageous to be able to get it from other planets of solar system. This is because there is a big probability of finding them in those areas as they are thought to be uninhabitable for several years. By investing into that exploration process, investors can get significant profit if they discover source of any essential material. Moreover, it is easily visible that the number of people all over the world is going up in a rapid path. After some decades, it is predicted that it would become imaginary to have a place for each person on our planet. In order to avoid this issue, it is more sensible to make an effort to discover places to dwell on other planet. As it would be too late if we commence worrying about when the problem is right in front of us, I think. According to number of researches conducted by top space exploring organizations like NASA and SPACE X, they are estimating that they will be able to transfer hundred thousands of people to Mars and they believe that the demand for their service would be quite considerable, as the wealthiest people of the world have already paid them beforehand. To conclude, due to predicted dramatic rise in the number of population of the world as well as the limit for resources, space exploration is one of the smart ways to avoid future worries
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, it costs too much to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
. They claim that other more crucial areas should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the investment. Funding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
exploration seems far more sensible for me due to limited resource of earth
as well
as overpopulation.

The demand for basic requirement of humanity is going up every year. To deal with, this high amount of gas, coal and oil are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
. As there is the limit in their amount, it would be advantageous to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it from other planets of solar system. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
probability of finding them in those areas as they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be uninhabitable for several years. By investing into that exploration process, investors can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
significant profit if they discover source of any essential material.

Moreover
, it is
easily
visible that the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all over the world is going up in a rapid path. After
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decades, it
is predicted
that it would become imaginary to have a place for each person on our planet. In order to avoid this issue, it is more sensible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to discover places to dwell on other planet. As it would be too late if we commence worrying about when the problem is right in front of us, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
. According to number of researches conducted by top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
exploring organizations like NASA and
Did you mean "SpaceX" (= aerospace company)?
SPACE X
, they are estimating that they will be able to transfer
Use a singular form of the numeral here: "hundred thousand".
hundred thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Mars and
they believe that the demand for their service would be quite considerable, as the wealthiest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the world have already paid them beforehand.

To conclude
, due to predicted dramatic rise in the number of population of the world
as well
as the limit for resources,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
exploration is one of the smart ways to avoid future worries
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IELTS essay Some people say that space exploration is too expensive. They believe that fund should be spent on issues that are more important.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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