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Some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. with the statement? 9V8W
Health is one of the crucial things we should aware to continue our life. Some people think that school are having responsibility to take care their students’ health, while some disagree with this. I personally agree that school is responsible to do this. To start with, we can see that most schools are implementing the full day school program, which made the students spend their time in school for about 8-10 hours. It means that students spend most of their time at school rather than at home. This circumstance allows the teacher to take a role in giving attention to their students’ health. By keeping an eye when they are in class, are they in a health condition or not. They also can do immediate action if there is something wrong with them. Secondly, school has various option in sports to invite the students to mind their health. As we know that sport facilities in many schools are good enough, students can utilize it. For instance, soccer field, basketball court, swimming pool, and other facilities that can be done by them. . With full day school, I believe that most students are already tired to go to the gym or having some exercises which can diminish their immunity. Teachers can play a role to invite the students to do some sports. All in all, I completely agree that teachers have responsibility to keep an eye with the young adolescents’ health as they spend most of their time at schools. They also can use sophisticated facilities to strengthen their health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
is one of the crucial things we
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
should aware
to continue our life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are having responsibility to take care their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagree with this. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
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school
is responsible to do this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are implementing the full day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
program, which made the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend their time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for about 8-10 hours. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend most of their time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
rather
than at home. This circumstance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the teacher to take a role in giving attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. By keeping an eye when they are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, are they in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition or not. They
also
can do immediate action if there is something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with them.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has various option in sports to invite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to mind their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. As we know that sport facilities in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can utilize it.
For instance
, soccer field, basketball court, swimming pool, and other facilities that can
be done
by them.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
With full day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I believe that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are already tired to go to the gym or having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises which can diminish their immunity. Teachers can play a role to invite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports.

All in all, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that teachers have responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye with the young adolescents’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as they spend most of their time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. They
also
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
sophisticated facilities to strengthen their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
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IELTS essay Some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. with the statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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