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Some people say that rich nations should help poor countries with their basic needs like food and education while others oppose the idea and argue that the poor nation themselves should try to improve their condition. Do you agree with the idea that rich and developed nations should help the poor nations? v.2

Some people say that rich nations should help poor countries with their basic needs like food and education while others oppose the idea and argue that the poor nation themselves should try to improve their condition. Do you agree with the idea that rich and developed nations should help the poor nations? v. 2
A nations’ welfare is the most crucial part of quality life for citizens in that certain country. I completely agree that the governments have an initial role to keep their citizens stay healthy and well-educated. This statement is supported by a numerous reason; governments’ basic responsibility and the governments’ authority. Firstly, it is noticeable that the basic responsibility of the government is to look after their society, especially for people living in under standard of life. Although it may be true that all of the nations should help each other, however, the governments should stand in the front line to guaranty their citizens’ life. In additions, every country in the world has their own income which is collected from many sources such as individual income tax and value added tax. Hence, the government should distribute this income in an appropriate way such as providing free educations and health facilities. Secondly, it seems that the quality of a country rely on the way the government is governing their society.   To return to an earlier point that education and health are essential parts of humans’ life. Therefore, the government should give their main concentration to these terms. As they have an authority to govern their society, the have to decide a governmental decision to improve the citizens’ quality life especially in terms of education and health for poorer societies. Otherwise, the nations will not have an adequate standard of life. On in all, the care of poorer nations is the main responsibility of the government. The most crucial point made so far, although the wealthier nations should help the other voluntarily, the government are playing the significant role to solve this problem by deciding governmental decisions in terms of education and health.
A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations’
welfare is the most crucial part of quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
in that certain country. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have an initial role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
stay healthy and well-educated. This statement
is supported
by a numerous reason;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments’
basic responsibility and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments’
authority.

Firstly
, it is noticeable that the basic responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
especially
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in under standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Although it may be true that
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other,
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should stand in the front line to guaranty their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In additions, every country in the world has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
income which
is collected
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sources such as individual income tax and value
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
tax.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should distribute this income
Consider replacing "in an appropriate way" with the adverb for "appropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an appropriate way
such as providing free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educations
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
facilities.

Secondly
, it seems that the quality of a country rely on the way the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is governing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
To return to an earlier point that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
are essential parts of humans’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should give their main concentration to these terms. As they have an authority to govern their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
decide a governmental decision to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens’
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
especially
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
for poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
Otherwise
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
will not have an adequate standard of life.

On in all, the care of poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
is the main responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. The most crucial point made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far, although the wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the other
voluntarily
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
are playing the significant role to solve this problem by deciding governmental decisions in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that rich nations should help poor countries with their basic needs like food and education while others oppose the idea and argue that the poor nation themselves should try to improve their condition. Do you agree with the idea that rich and developed nations should help the poor nations? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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