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Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.4

Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 4
In recent decades, many researches have studied the importance of entertainers. Indeed, to my mind, there is now convincing evidence that entertainers play a significant role than scientists. In this essay, I shall examine how research in increasing the happiness of the public and reflecting the problems related to the community in a sarcastic manner supports this view. To begin with, the public can be amused by entertainers to rise the felicity. This is because people have a desire to avoid the stress of life for a moment. For example, a recent Cambridge study showed that entertainers can trigger their audiences’ serotonin hormone to increase happiness while they are performing a show. Therefore, it is a clear case that individuals are seeking for someone like performers who enables them to decrease their stress concerning life difficulties in an enjoyable way. Secondly, entertainers can indicate the life problems in an ironical way to show the community. This is because people would like to watch the facts of life issues in a cynical performance. For instance, a study by Oxford found that people can get a high pleasure while watching the criticism of serious problems that are mentioned ironically at performances in an enjoyable way. Thus, it is certainly the case that people are satisfied with watching entertainers’ shows to be aware of serious problems. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the notion that entertainers have a crucial role in not only indicating the issues of problems to pay the attention of the public, but also entertaining individuals to be happy than scientists. In the future, we will certainly see how artists will influence society positively.
In recent decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researches have studied the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
.
Indeed
, to my mind, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
convincing evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
play a significant role than scientists. In this essay, I shall examine how research in increasing the happiness of the public and reflecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to the community
Consider replacing "in a sarcastic manner" with the adverb for "sarcastic"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a sarcastic manner
supports this view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the public can
be amused
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
to rise the felicity. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a desire to avoid the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for a moment.
For example
, a recent Cambridge study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
can trigger their audiences’ serotonin hormone to increase happiness while they are performing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
Therefore
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
case that individuals are seeking for someone like performers who
Did you mean "enable"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'performers' should be used.
enables
them to decrease their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
concerning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
difficulties
Consider replacing "in an enjoyable way" with the adverb for "enjoyable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an enjoyable way
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
can indicate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
Consider replacing "in an ironical way" with the adverb for "ironical"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an ironical way
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the community. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the facts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
issues in a cynical performance.
For instance
, a study by Oxford found that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high pleasure while watching the criticism of serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that
are mentioned
ironically
at performances
Consider replacing "in an enjoyable way" with the adverb for "enjoyable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an enjoyable way
.
Thus
, it is
certainly
the case that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are satisfied
with watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
to be aware of serious problems.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
have a crucial role in not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
indicating the issues of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
to pay the attention of the public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
entertaining individuals to be
Use "happier" to make a comparison with this adjective.
happy
than scientists. In the future, we will
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how artists will influence society
positively
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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