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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? KN5N
Music is consider to be better way to eliminate the difference between various cultures and different ages. This essay if fully agrees with this statement because nowadays music becomes most crucial for everyone and it helps to know about different cultures and traditions. Music is said to be crucial for everyone. The liking of people towards music is different as per age. But in the new era, affection towards music is becoming same for everyone. Some elderly people like to listen old songs as it has peaceful music while, adults like to listen more noisy music but, some of music is preferred by both adults and elders. Moreover, the national anthem as an example, when national anthem plays everyone shows their respect and patriotism toward this song. Although, there is diversity in music of various cultures, but the people are fascinated about different music. Moreover, there are many songs which reflect their traditions through music and people like it by listening to different cultures music, it yield to complete differences between cultures. Many got to know about various tradition by listening their music. Furthermore, there are many engish songs, telugu songs and hindi songs that are famous worldwide and because of this people get to know about different cultures. To conclude, music is crucial to enhance various cultures and different age groups together because music is highly influential today and people get to know about different traditions.
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Music
is
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consider
to be
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better
way to eliminate the difference between
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various
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cultures
and
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different
ages. This essay if
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this statement
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because
nowadays
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music
becomes most crucial for
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everyone
and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
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know
about
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different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and traditions.

Music
is said
to be crucial for
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everyone
. The liking of
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people
towards
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music
is
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different
as per age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in the new era, affection towards
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music
is becoming same for
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everyone
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
elderly
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people
like to listen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
songs as it has peaceful
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music
while, adults like to listen more noisy
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music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of
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music
is preferred
by both adults and elders.
Moreover
, the national anthem as an example, when national anthem plays
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everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
their respect and patriotism toward this song.

Although, there is diversity in
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music
of
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various
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cultures
,
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but
the
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people
are fascinated
about
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different
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music
.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
songs which reflect their traditions through
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music
and
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people
like it by listening to
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different
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cultures
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music
, it
Did you mean "yields"?
yield
to complete differences between
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cultures
.
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Many
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got
to
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know
about
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various
tradition by listening their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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engish
songs,
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telugu
songs and
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hindi
songs that are
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famous
worldwide and
because of this
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people
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get
to
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know
about
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different
cultures.

To conclude
,
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music
is crucial to enhance
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various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and
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different
age groups together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
highly
influential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
and
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
traditions.
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IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
237 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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