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Some people say that marriages should be arranged by intermediaries. Others say that young people should be free to choose their marriage partners. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

Some people say that marriages should be arranged by intermediaries. Others say that young people should be free to choose their marriage partners. Which viewpoint do you agree with? KWRa1
We are now in the 21st century when human rights is on the uppermost. Some individuals claim that future spouses should be considered as a freedom of choice rather than external interference from the seniors. Personally, I gravitate towards the idea of arranged marriage. Matchmaking marriages provide the young with a multitude of beneficiaries. To begin with, inexperience employees hardly have time for personal life. At such a young age that they have to take the most advantage of themselves to work harder and harder for promotion prospects. Therefore, in all likelihood that both working time and personal time of theirs are devoted to the workload and that they need go-betweens’ help in search of a potential marriage candidate. Additionally, love is not the only key element of a long-lasting spousal life but harmony as well. Age, social status or education are factors that the older need to ensure. Such compatibilities help their offspring less likely to divorce in the future once they are together. Moreover, the chosen partners are of the high chance to share financial burdens because occupation is the first thing to be thoroughly considered. Finally yet importantly, proponents of the above idea would argue that arranged marriages deny people rights of freedom. Nonetheless, this fails to concern that the person seeking for a prospective bride/groom through third party can actually make his or her own choices. When the meetings are arranged, the decision of whether starting a relationship with the partner or not is definitely up to them that no one can interfere. They can reject further personal contact until they find an ideal one. All thing considered, my strong belief is that a marriage of convenience is far more advantageous than the love-based on. Even so, marriage is such an essential milestones of one’s lives that must be through detailed assessment beforehand.
We are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
in the 21st century when human rights is on the uppermost.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals claim that future spouses should
be considered
as
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "freedom".
a freedom
of choice
rather
than external interference from the seniors.
Personally
, I gravitate towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of arranged marriage.

Matchmaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriages
provide the young with a multitude of beneficiaries. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, inexperience employees hardly have time for personal life. At such a young age that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take the most advantage of themselves to work harder and harder for promotion prospects.
Therefore
, in all likelihood that both working time and personal time of theirs
are devoted
to the workload and that they need
Possible spelling mistake found.
go-betweens
’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in search of a potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
candidate.

Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key element of a long-lasting spousal life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
harmony
as well
. Age, social status or education are factors that the older need to ensure. Such
Possible spelling mistake found.
compatibilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their offspring less likely to divorce in the future once they are together.
Moreover
, the chosen partners are of the high chance to share financial burdens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
occupation is the
first
thing to be
thoroughly
considered.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, proponents of the above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
would argue that arranged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriages
deny
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
rights
of freedom. Nonetheless, this fails to concern that the person seeking for a prospective bride/groom through third party can actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices. When the meetings
are arranged
, the decision of whether starting a relationship with the partner or not is definitely up to them that no one can interfere. They can reject
further
personal contact until they find an ideal one.

All thing considered, my strong belief is that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
of convenience is far more advantageous than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
-based on. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
is such an essential
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "milestone"?
milestones
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be through detailed assessment beforehand.
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IELTS essay Some people say that marriages should be arranged by intermediaries. Others say that young people should be free to choose their marriage partners. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
307 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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