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Some people say that fairrily is the most powerful influence in a child's development. Other's say that other factors such as (television friends music etc. ) play a greater role today. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.1

Some people say that fairrily is the most powerful influence in a child's development. Other's say that other factors such as (television friends music etc. ) play a greater role today. 1
It is highly debated whether family or community has a greater impact on a child’s development. In my opinion, I strongly believe that community, including friends and superstars, nowadays have a much stronger influence on children compared to family, especially in the era of internet and social media. The belief that the society has a bigger role on children is based on the fact that children spend less time with their family compared to others. To elaborate more, children spend more than half of their day at school with teachers and schoolmates. Even at home, children nowadays spend most of their time on their electronic gadgets to chat with their friends or check their favorite idols or superstars on social media. Thus, if children have so much time interacting with their friends and looking after celebrities, it is reasonable to say that they have a greater impact compared to their parents. On the other hand, people believe that family, especially parents, still have the most important role in nurturing and socializing their kids. At the toddler stage, children are so much connected with their parent and they also see them as their role models. Children are not that exposed to the outer world; thus, parents play biggest role at this stage. Taking all factors into consideration, it would be fair to say that family plays a prominent role at an early stage of development, whereas friends and famous people tend to be more influential during their teen years. I contend that the latter stage is more critical in shaping one’s personality; hence, I tend to lean toward the belief that society has a greater role in the development of a child.
It is
highly
debated whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
or community has a greater impact on a child’s development. In my opinion, I
strongly
believe that community, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and superstars, nowadays have a much stronger influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
in the era of internet and social media.

The belief that the society has a bigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is based
on the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend less time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
compared to others. To elaborate more,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend more than half of their day at school with teachers and schoolmates. Even at home,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays spend most of their time on their electronic gadgets to chat with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
their favorite idols or superstars on social media.
Thus
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much time interacting with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and looking after celebrities, it is reasonable to say that they have a greater impact compared to their parents.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
parents,
still
have the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in nurturing and socializing their kids. At the toddler stage,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much connected with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parent and
they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are not that exposed to the outer world;
thus
, parents play
A determiner is probably missing here: "the biggest".
biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
at this stage.

Taking all factors into consideration, it would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays a prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
at an early stage of development, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to be more influential during their teen years. I contend that the latter stage is more critical in shaping one’s personality;
hence
, I tend to lean toward the belief that society has a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in the development of a child.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that fairrily is the most powerful influence in a child's development. Other's say that other factors such as (television friends music etc. ) play a greater role today. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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