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Some people believe that children who are given pocket money every week have less problems managing money when they become adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that children who are given pocket money every week have less problems managing money when they become adults. v. 1
A small amount of money is given by a parent to their children in the form of pocket money each week in order to manage them properly so that they do not face any difficulties while becoming an adult. I, however, agree with this in two ways. Firstly, providing money every week will prevent the feeling of robbery among adolescence. This is because most children have enough desire to be fulfilled by their parents. However, if such wishes are not attended then many of them would steal the money or the things. As a result, they could rob or plan a bigger crime in future. Thus, giving a small amount of money to them at an early age would never rise the feeling for stealing any things and could allow them to mature adult. Another way is saving and expenses. Most parents encourage their children by giving pocket money every week and often teach them for proper utilization of such money so that they could save a small amount of money for future. This is because when they become adult they would not find it difficult to handle their expenditure from their income which is earned in the form of salary or wages. In contrast, if they are not learned at an early age about such basic principle of expenses, will result hard for them to handle at the time of adult. In conclusion, not only does pocket money, eliminate the feeling of robbery while teenage, but also encourages to learn simple fundamentals of saving the money for the future. Therefore, I agree that there is no harm by giving pocket money at an early age to children to become promising adult.
A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by a parent to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the form of pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
each week in order to manage them
properly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not face any difficulties while becoming an adult. I,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this in two ways.

Firstly
, providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
every week will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the feeling of robbery among adolescence. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
desire to
be fulfilled
by their parents.
However
, if such wishes are not attended then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them would steal the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or the things.
As a result
, they could rob or plan a bigger crime
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Thus
, giving a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to them at an early age would never rise the feeling for stealing any things and could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to mature adult.

Another way is saving and expenses. Most parents encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by giving pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
every week and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
teach them for proper utilization of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could save a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for future. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they become adult they would not find it difficult to handle their expenditure from their income which
is earned
in the form of salary or wages.
In contrast
, if they are not learned at an early age about such basic principle of expenses, will result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to handle at the time of adult.

In conclusion
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, eliminate the feeling of robbery while teenage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
encourages
Did you mean "learning"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to learn
simple fundamentals of saving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the future.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there is no harm by giving pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at an early age to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become promising adult.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people believe that children who are given pocket money every week have less problems managing money when they become adults. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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