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Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important skill. Do you agree or disagree with this argument? v.4

Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important skill. with this argument? v. 4
In this age of consumerism, when people get easily attracted to spend money lucratively, giving lessons on managing funds is definitely a bright idea. The reasons of my agreements are trailed in below paragraphs. To begin with, most of the teenagers are living in the world of fantasy because of their agility and immature nature. In the race of imitating a film star and showing off they spend money lavishly without thinking anything else. For example, we can see that nowadays school students are using iPhone or branded clothes to show off their status in front of others. Therefore, it is a good idea to make them realize the importance of saving money and give them an overview of how it will be useful for them in their future. As a result, they will eventually start thinking of themselves and control their extravagant nature at some extent. Moreover, nowadays the plethora of investment plans is available in the market. These all can be only useful when the pupils have thorough knowledge of them. For example, in a local survey most of the successful people accepted that as they were poor when they were kids, they have saved money since their adulthood to get the good tertiary education in a well known college so that they would fulfil their dreams. Thus, children of secondary and higher secondary school, must have the idea of investing money and accounting. To conclude, the lesson on monetary matters makes children the better citizens of the country which will be useful for them as well as for the country. So, the adult students should have the subjects on the effective utilization of funds.
In this age of consumerism, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
attracted to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
lucratively
, giving lessons on managing funds is definitely a bright
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. The reasons of my agreements
are trailed
in below paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are living in the world of fantasy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their agility and immature nature. In the race of imitating a film star and showing off they spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
lavishly
without thinking anything else.
For example
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that nowadays school students are using iPhone or branded clothes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their status in front of others.
Therefore
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them realize the importance of saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and give them an overview of how it will be useful for them in their future.
As a result
, they will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking of themselves and control their extravagant nature at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

Moreover
, nowadays the plethora of investment plans is available in the market. These all can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
useful when the pupils have thorough knowledge of them.
For example
, in a local survey most of the successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that as they were poor when they were kids, they have saved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
since their adulthood to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
tertiary education in a well known college
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they would fulfil their dreams.
Thus
, children of secondary and higher secondary school,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and accounting.

To conclude
, the lesson on monetary matters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
children the better citizens of the country which will be useful for them
as well
as for the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the adult students should have the subjects on the effective utilization of funds.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important skill. with this argument? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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