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Some people say that advertising is extremely important. Others say no. What do you think?

Some people say that advertising is extremely important. Others say no. What do you think? Nroeq
I agree with people who claim that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. It is because that advertising has a power of attracting people who worry about whether buying or not. In practice, when I was 16 years old, I was watching the television and then I was watching an advertisement of a electric dictionary by chance. Then I thought it is wonderful and It looked like very special dictionary. At that time I have had an electric dictionary, but I decided to buy one. When I decided to obtain one, I have not need an electric dictionary. However I persuaded an electric dictionary. I think it is because a power of advertising which is attracted to people who watched it. In the other hand there are a lot of people who think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Certainly l am able to understand this opinion. These days more and more people are not waiting the television. Furthermore I think that if you watch the television, you do not see an advertisement on television. Recently you are able to pass an advertisement to watch the television program which you really want to watch now. By the way do you think the world which there are no advertising? My opinion about this is I can not think about. If there are no advertisement, you have no way to get information of something. When this happens, the world is not fun because of there are no advertising. That is why I agree with people who claim that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
claim that advertising is
extremely
successful at persuading us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that advertising has a power of attracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
worry about whether buying or not. In practice, when I was 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, I was watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and then I was watching an
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dictionary
by chance. Then I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
it is wonderful and It looked like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dictionary
. At that time I have had an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dictionary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
one. When I decided to obtain one, I have not
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "needed".
need
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dictionary
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
I persuaded an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dictionary
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a power of advertising which
is attracted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
it. In the other hand there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that advertising is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
common that we no longer pay attention to it.
Certainly
l am able to understand this opinion. These days more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not waiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, you do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. Recently you are able to pass an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
program which you
really
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. By the way do you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
the world which there are no advertising? My opinion about this is I can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about. If there are no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
, you have no way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
information of something. When this happens, the world is not fun
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of there are no advertising.
That is
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
claim that advertising is
extremely
successful at persuading us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things.
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The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people say that advertising is extremely important. Others say no. What do you think?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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