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Some people say sports events help in world peace. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say sports events help in world peace. v. 1
From the ancient era, games play an important role in spreading peace around the globe. I completely believe that these events not only bring the national leaders on one stage, but also start the talks between the two nations. To begin with, when there are differences among the nations, then sports events help on bringing the people and democrats in one place. As a result, they meet with each other and communication is initiated among them. For example, the Olympics games held after world war-2 brought peace in the world. During these games, spectators cheered for each other and the leaders sought out their nations’ differences. Thus, it created harmony and understanding among them. Therefore, these events played a crucial role in spreading peace around the globe. Moreover, games also act as an initiator between the nations to start their dialogue. For instance, there was a cricket match series held between India and Pakistan in 2006. This event initiated the talks between the two nations after a long time as the finance ministers of both countries meet with each other and resolved their national issues. Besides, people admired and supported the players of other nationalities. Consequently, they spread the message of oneness and unity in diversity. Hence, it is apparent that sports events initiate talks between nations. To summarize, according to me game events motivate to start the dialogue among the countries around the world and spread a message of brotherhood and peace. Further, it encourages the democrats of different countries to join hands.
From the ancient era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in spreading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
around the globe. I completely believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
bring the national leaders on one stage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
the talks between the two nations.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, when there are differences among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, then sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
on bringing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and democrats in one place.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and communication
is initiated
among them.
For example
, the Olympics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
held after world war-2 brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
in the world. During these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, spectators cheered for each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and the leaders sought out their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations’
differences.
Thus
, it created harmony and understanding among them.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
played a crucial role in spreading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
around the globe.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
also
act as an initiator between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their dialogue.
For instance
, there was a cricket match series held between India and Pakistan in 2006. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
initiated the talks between the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
after a long time as the finance ministers of both countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and resolved their national issues.
Besides
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
admired and supported the players of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nationalities.
Consequently
, they spread the message of oneness and unity in diversity.
Hence
, it is apparent that sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
initiate talks between nations.

To summarize
, according to me game
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
motivate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
the dialogue among the countries around the world and spread a message of brotherhood and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peace
.
Further
, it encourages the democrats of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
hands.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people say sports events help in world peace. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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