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SOME PEOPLE SAY AS THE RESULT OF BEING RICH, PEOPLE MAY COMMIT SEVERAL CRIMES. HOWEVER ,OTHERS ARGUE THAT A LACK OF MONEY MIGHT BE THE REASON FOR COMMITING CRIMES. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.

In a world where crime rates are getting out of hand, it is inevitable that crime stems from different cases. While I argue that the need for money can urge people to offend, I am more convinced that the privileged members of the society are more likely to veer into criminal path. To commence with, there are several reasons why the deficiency of money is the root cause of commiting crimes. Initially, most destitute people resort to crime for livelihood unless they have permanent jobs. Precisely, a huge percentage of the world’s population is living under the poverty line, suffering from bleak job prospects and abject hunger. As a result, they embark on the criminal road to meet their basic needs. However, people with a wealth of money and extravagant lifestyles are highly likely to to commit delinquencies for several reasons. First and foremost, rich members of the society are certain to have unquenchable thirst for wealth and fame. Therefore, they are never hesitant to do criminal acts in hope of accumulating more money. Admittedly, opulence and luxury are the key factors that lead wealthy people to offend. To be more precise, people with an abundant money tend to deal with drugs and other illegal ways with the intention of satrisfying their strong desire. Without any doubt, all of these catalysts result in different kinds of crime, which are potentially dangerous for the society. In conclusion, although different factors motivate people to do wrongdoings, I firmly believe that individuals with huge material wealth are proven to do acts of crime.
In a world where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates are getting out of hand, it is inevitable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
stems from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cases. While I argue that the need for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can urge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to offend, I am more convinced that the privileged members of the society are more likely to veer into criminal path.

To commence with, there are several reasons why the deficiency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the root cause of
Possible spelling mistake found.
commiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
Initially
, most destitute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
resort to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
for livelihood unless they have permanent jobs.
Precisely
, a huge percentage of the world’s population is living under the poverty line, suffering from bleak job prospects and abject hunger.
As a result
, they embark on the criminal road to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their basic needs.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a wealth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and extravagant lifestyles are
highly
likely
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
commit delinquencies for several reasons.
First
and foremost, rich members of the society are certain to have unquenchable thirst for wealth and fame.
Therefore
, they are never hesitant to do criminal acts in hope of accumulating more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Admittedly
, opulence and luxury are the key factors that lead wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to offend. To be more precise,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with an abundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
tend to deal with drugs and other illegal ways with the intention of
Possible spelling mistake found.
satrisfying
their strong desire. Without any doubt, all of these catalysts result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, which are
potentially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the society.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
factors motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do wrongdoings, I
firmly
believe that individuals with huge material wealth
are proven
to do acts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
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IELTS essay SOME PEOPLE SAY AS THE RESULT OF BEING RICH, PEOPLE MAY COMMIT SEVERAL CRIMES. HOWEVER, OTHERS ARGUE THAT A LACK OF MONEY MIGHT BE THE REASON FOR COMMITING CRIMES.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • SOME PEOPLE SAY AS THE RESULT OF BEING RICH, PEOPLE MAY COMMIT SEVERAL CRIMES. HOWEVER ,OTHERS ARGUE THAT A LACK OF MONEY MIGHT BE THE REASON FOR COMMITING CRIMES. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.