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Some people pursue career paths that lead to management positions. Other people follow paths leading to positions of individual responsibility, which do not involve managing others. v.2

Some people pursue career paths that lead to management positions. Other people follow paths leading to positions of individual responsibility, which do not involve managing others. v. 2
In the competitive world, talking decision about career is the most important aspect of life as our rest of the life is depend on our decision and one decision can change a person’s life. Some prefer to pursue career that lead to management positions while other people prefer to follow a career with individual responsibility. However, from my vintage point a career with management position is better in several ways. The first exquisite point to be mentioned is that everyone likes to have a challenge in a life. Taking responsibility of a whole team is not a piece of a cake as it includes lots of challenges like taking work from all member on time, also finishing work in a time frame according to the requirement, dealing with tons of paper work, attending conference with clients, stress of providing the best qualitative services to the costumers etc. A person like me, who always have been inspired to take risk in life, definitely enjoy a team leading position as it gives me a feeling of adventure and accomplishment. The work stress offers me a new source of joy and pleasure. This is the only position where, I can improve my leadership and organization skills. By taking dangerous tasks, an employee can improve the company’s revenue and productivity. Managing all people in a team without any kind of discrimination is always a tough duty; however, a person can learn many things from the job position. Another reason that deserves some words is that with the help of management position job, one would able to enlarge communication network for the better growth in the future. A vivid example can be given to shed light on the subject is that when my husband worked at Hemisphere pharmacy as a manager he gained opportunity to communicate with highly knowledgeable foreign employees, hence broaden his horizon. Moreover, by making contact with them, my husband achieved many new projects for the company, which boosted up his confidence and reputation in the company. Admittedly, the responsibility of managing the whole team is very difficult and challenging task, however, when it comes to the salary of a manager, all trouble make sense as the salary really worth all hard work and stress. The manager is the person who gets all credit of project completion and the commission for the project is like an icing on the cake. A noteworthy interesting research conducted in my country shows seventy percent people prefer to have a career, which leads to the management position as this job, gives an opportunity to earn ample of money to chase your dreams. To wrap up, I firmly prefer to have a career, which leads me to a management post in order to improve my skills, knowledge, to enlarge my communication network and to earn a huge amount of money.
In the competitive world, talking decision about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as our rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
Consider using a past participle here: "depended".
depend
on our decision and one decision can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
that lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
while other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to follow a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with individual responsibility.
However
, from my
Did you mean "vantage point"?
vintage point
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
is better in several ways.

The
first
exquisite point to
be mentioned
is that everyone likes to have a challenge in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Taking responsibility of a whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
is not a piece of a cake as it includes lots of challenges like taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from all member on time,
also
finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a time frame according to the requirement, dealing with tons of paper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, attending conference with clients,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of providing the best qualitative services to the costumers etc. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
like me, who always have
been inspired
to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, definitely enjoy a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
as it gives me a feeling of adventure and accomplishment. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
offers me a new source of joy and pleasure. This is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
where, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my leadership and organization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. By taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
tasks, an employee can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s revenue and productivity. Managing all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
without any kind of discrimination is always a tough duty;
however
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things from the job position.

Another reason that deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words is that with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
job, one
Did you mean "would be able"?
would able
to enlarge communication network for the better growth in the future. A vivid example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on the subject is that when my husband worked at Hemisphere pharmacy as a manager he gained opportunity to communicate with
highly
knowledgeable foreign employees,
hence
broaden his horizon.
Moreover
, by making contact with them, my husband achieved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new projects for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, which boosted up his confidence and reputation in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Admittedly
, the responsibility of managing the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult and challenging task,
however
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the salary of a manager, all trouble
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sense as the salary
really
worth all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. The manager is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
all credit of project completion and the commission for the project is like an icing on the cake.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "noteworthy interesting research".
A noteworthy interesting research
conducted in my country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
seventy percent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, which leads to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
as this job, gives an opportunity to earn ample of money to chase your dreams.

To wrap up, I
firmly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prefer
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, which leads me to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
post in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, knowledge, to enlarge my communication network and to earn a huge amount of money.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people pursue career paths that lead to management positions. Other people follow paths leading to positions of individual responsibility, which do not involve managing others. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
473 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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