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Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v.2

Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 2
Since the dawn of civilization, human beings have been putting all of their efforts so as to find a decent job guaranteeing their future life; hence, taking the available alternatives into account would be almost a rational task. Some people are inclined toward the opinion that they should run their own business whereas others, on the other hand, take a radically different point of view and allege that they should work for others. Agreement is yet to be reached on this issue; however, to the extent my personal perspective is concerned, people should try to run their self-employed and work for themselves. In the following paragraph, I will pinpoint the most outstanding reasons. One compelling reason, lending credence to the stance taken above is that if people run a business for themselves, they will feel more comfort by their career. Scientifically speaking, if people work for other employer, they need to be respectful toward their decisions and desires. In fact, employers legislate strict rules for their employees and not only should workers be respectful but also should bend over backwards to satisfy all the functions. Delving further into the issue reveal that self-employed will provide fertile ground for people to feel more freedom. Arguably, not until people work for themselves can they make a sound decision in their career. In other word, employers impose a sanction and do not allow other people progress in their everyday life. A noteworthy refreshingly intelligible statistic revealed by recent social research conducted in our country show that vast majorities of people who run a business for themselves experienced more comfortable life rather than other who do not. Indeed, they have more chances to make their ideas into reality. Another reason that is equally important if not more is that people will be independent and learn how to be responsible for their job. Broadly speaking, if employees do something wrong during their working hour or face trials and tribulations, they would learn how to handle problems and find an exact solution. To put it in other word, working for others will prevent people to be a self-sufficient person and not only will not they experience life for themselves but also will deprive from earning higher income. However, what I alluded to above cannot be overgeneralized to all contexts. Alongside with the innumerable benefits it has, indisputably, working for others will provide an opportunity for people to gain as much as enough experiences. In fact, employers can motivates people in order to make a living through hard work. Nevertheless, it does not make those preceding benefits pale. To wrap it up, a plethora of people work in order to meet their needs. Having said that some people prefer to run their own business while other prefer to work for others. Contemplating all the aforementioned reason one soon realize that advantages of self-employed out weight the disadvantages and provide an opportunity for people to explore life for themselves and take the responsibility of their works. I highly suggest that people should make an effort in other or run their business and be successful in their future.
Since the dawn of civilization, human beings have been putting all of their efforts
so as to
find a decent job guaranteeing their future
life
;
hence
, taking the available alternatives into account would be almost a rational task.
Some
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that they should
run
their
own
business
whereas others, on the
other
hand, take a
radically
different
point of view and allege that they should
work
for others. Agreement is
yet
to
be reached
on this issue;
however
, to the extent my personal perspective
is concerned
,
people
should try to
run
their self-employed and
work
for themselves. In the following paragraph, I will pinpoint the most outstanding reasons.

One compelling reason, lending credence to the stance taken above is that if
people
run
a
business
for themselves, they will feel more comfort by their career.
Scientifically
speaking, if
people
work
for
other
employer
, they need to be respectful toward their decisions and desires. In fact,
employers
legislate strict
rules
for their employees and not
only
should workers be respectful
but
also
should bend over backwards to satisfy all the functions. Delving
further
into the issue reveal that self-employed will provide fertile ground for
people
to feel more freedom.
Arguably
, not until
people
work
for themselves can they
make
a sound decision in their career. In
other
word,
employers
impose a sanction and do not
allow
other
people
progress in their everyday
life
. A noteworthy
refreshingly
intelligible statistic revealed by recent social research conducted in our country
show
that vast majorities of
people
who
run
a
business
for themselves experienced more comfortable
life
rather
than
other
who do not.
Indeed
, they have more chances to
make
their
ideas
into reality.

Another reason
that is
equally
important
if not more is that
people
will be independent and learn how to be responsible for their job.
Broadly
speaking, if employees do something
wrong
during their working hour or face trials and tribulations, they would learn how to handle problems and find an exact solution. To put it in
other
word, working for others will
prevent
people
to be a self-sufficient person and not
only
will not they experience
life
for themselves
but
also
will
deprive from
earning higher income.
However
, what I alluded to above cannot
be overgeneralized
to all contexts. Alongside with the innumerable benefits it has,
indisputably
, working for others will provide an opportunity for
people
to gain as much as
enough
experiences. In fact,
employers
can motivates
people
in order to
make
a living through
hard
work
.
Nevertheless
, it does not
make
those preceding benefits pale.

To wrap it up, a plethora of
people
work
in order to
meet
their needs. Having said that
some
people
prefer to
run
their
own
business
while
other
prefer to
work
for others. Contemplating all the aforementioned reason one
soon
realize that advantages of self-employed out weight the disadvantages and provide an opportunity for
people
to explore
life
for themselves and take the responsibility of their works. I
highly
suggest that
people
should
make
an effort in
other
or
run
their
business
and be successful in their future.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
56Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
519 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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