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Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v.2

Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 2
Since the dawn of civilization, human beings have been putting all of their efforts so as to find a decent job guaranteeing their future life; hence, taking the available alternatives into account would be almost a rational task. Some people are inclined toward the opinion that they should run their own business whereas others, on the other hand, take a radically different point of view and allege that they should work for others. Agreement is yet to be reached on this issue; however, to the extent my personal perspective is concerned, people should try to run their self-employed and work for themselves. In the following paragraph, I will pinpoint the most outstanding reasons. One compelling reason, lending credence to the stance taken above is that if people run a business for themselves, they will feel more comfort by their career. Scientifically speaking, if people work for other employer, they need to be respectful toward their decisions and desires. In fact, employers legislate strict rules for their employees and not only should workers be respectful but also should bend over backwards to satisfy all the functions. Delving further into the issue reveal that self-employed will provide fertile ground for people to feel more freedom. Arguably, not until people work for themselves can they make a sound decision in their career. In other word, employers impose a sanction and do not allow other people progress in their everyday life. A noteworthy refreshingly intelligible statistic revealed by recent social research conducted in our country show that vast majorities of people who run a business for themselves experienced more comfortable life rather than other who do not. Indeed, they have more chances to make their ideas into reality. Another reason that is equally important if not more is that people will be independent and learn how to be responsible for their job. Broadly speaking, if employees do something wrong during their working hour or face trials and tribulations, they would learn how to handle problems and find an exact solution. To put it in other word, working for others will prevent people to be a self-sufficient person and not only will not they experience life for themselves but also will deprive from earning higher income. However, what I alluded to above cannot be overgeneralized to all contexts. Alongside with the innumerable benefits it has, indisputably, working for others will provide an opportunity for people to gain as much as enough experiences. In fact, employers can motivates people in order to make a living through hard work. Nevertheless, it does not make those preceding benefits pale. To wrap it up, a plethora of people work in order to meet their needs. Having said that some people prefer to run their own business while other prefer to work for others. Contemplating all the aforementioned reason one soon realize that advantages of self-employed out weight the disadvantages and provide an opportunity for people to explore life for themselves and take the responsibility of their works. I highly suggest that people should make an effort in other or run their business and be successful in their future.
Since the dawn of civilization, human beings have been putting all of their efforts
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
find a decent job guaranteeing their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
;
hence
, taking the available alternatives into account would be almost a rational task.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
whereas others, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, take a
radically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view and allege that they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for others. Agreement is
yet
to
be reached
on this issue;
however
, to the extent my personal perspective
is concerned
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
their self-employed and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves. In the following paragraph, I will pinpoint the most outstanding reasons.

One compelling reason, lending credence to the stance taken above is that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
for themselves, they will feel more comfort by their career.
Scientifically
speaking, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
, they need to be respectful toward their decisions and desires. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
legislate strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for their employees and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should workers be respectful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
should bend over backwards to satisfy all the functions. Delving
further
into the issue reveal that self-employed will provide fertile ground for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to feel more freedom.
Arguably
, not until
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves can they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a sound decision in their career. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
impose a sanction and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
progress in their everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. A noteworthy
refreshingly
intelligible statistic revealed by recent social research conducted in our country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that vast majorities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
for themselves experienced more comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
who do not.
Indeed
, they have more chances to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
into reality.

Another reason
that is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
if not more is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be independent and learn how to be responsible for their job.
Broadly
speaking, if employees do something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
during their working hour or face trials and tribulations, they would learn how to handle problems and find an exact solution. To put it in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
word, working for others will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be a self-sufficient person and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will not they experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will
The usual collocation for "deprive" is "of" not "". Did you mean "deprive of"?
deprive from
earning higher income.
However
, what I alluded to above cannot
be overgeneralized
to all contexts. Alongside with the innumerable benefits it has,
indisputably
, working for others will provide an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gain as much as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experiences. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
can motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a living through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Nevertheless
, it does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
those preceding benefits pale.

To wrap it up, a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their needs. Having said that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for others. Contemplating all the aforementioned reason one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realize that advantages of self-employed out weight the disadvantages and provide an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for themselves and take the responsibility of their works. I
highly
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
an effort in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
run
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and be successful in their future.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
56Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
519 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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