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Some people prefer to watch live performances from their home on TV or online others prefer to be present at the event and experience it live Discuss both ways and give your opinion v.1

Some people prefer to watch live performances from their home on TV or online others prefer to be present at the event and experience it live 1
Lifestyle has undergone dramatic changes over couple of decades. Presently, some proportion of people are fond of watching live shows related to sports, music and singing by visiting to hosting place. By contrast, others want to relish such events with family by sitting at home. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my own perception. There are manifold points to shore up former view. First and foremost, some people are passionate to see their favorite celebrity very closely and take their pictures along with  autographs by meeting them personally. Therefore, some  masses are always curious to see live events. Besides this, some proportion of folk want to support their favorite stars by cheering hooting, shouting or clapping to boost their confidence for excellent performances. Hence, the idea of endorsement by attending live concerts deserve appreciation. On the contrary, others have conflicting views. Numerous points can be mentioned to support latter view. Initially, a large number of people are dealing with busiest schedules to fullfil their towering desires. Therefore, they prefer to spend sufficient quality time with family members while watching events on television with them instead of facing crowd, traffic, noise at hosting spot. Adding to it, unlike live performances, watching events on television or online allows people to watch action replays, clear visualization, recording of events with high defination displays. Thus, a sheer percentage of people tend to take pleasure of ocassions on electronic gadgets. From my notion, both sides have their own significance. Although attending ceremonies invites immense pleasure, privilege of modern apparatus can not be underestimated as far as enjoying events are concerned. People should make decision regarding both choices according to their interest, comforts and social requirements. To recapitulate, different people have different attitudes. people should look for enjoyment as much as they can whether they see events by attending or on electrical appliance.
Lifestyle has undergone dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
over couple of decades.
Presently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are fond of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
related to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "sport".
sports
, music and singing by visiting to hosting place. By contrast, others want to relish such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
with family by sitting at home. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perception.

There are manifold points to shore up former view.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are passionate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their favorite celebrity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
closely
and take their pictures along with
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
autographs by meeting them
personally
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
masses are always curious to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Besides
this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proportion of folk want to support their favorite stars by cheering hooting, shouting or clapping to boost their confidence for excellent performances.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of endorsement by attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concerts deserve appreciation.
On the contrary
, others have conflicting views.

Numerous points can
be mentioned
to support latter view.
Initially
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dealing with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the busiest".
busiest
schedules to
Possible spelling mistake found.
fullfil
their towering desires.
Therefore
, they prefer to spend sufficient quality time with family members while watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television with them
instead
of facing crowd, traffic, noise at hosting spot. Adding to it, unlike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television or online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
action replays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
visualization, recording of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
with high
Possible spelling mistake found.
defination
displays.
Thus
, a sheer percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to take pleasure of
Possible spelling mistake found.
ocassions
on electronic gadgets.

From my notion, both sides have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
significance. Although attending ceremonies invites immense pleasure, privilege of modern apparatus can not
be underestimated
as far as enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are concerned
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decision regarding both choices according to their interest, comforts and social requirements.

To recapitulate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
attitudes.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
people
should look for enjoyment as much as they
Please check whether a verb is missing here.
can whether
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
by attending or on electrical appliance.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to watch live performances from their home on TV or online others prefer to be present at the event and experience it live 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
311 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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