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Some people opine that cinema will eventually lose its appeal to mass people and very few people will go to cinema halls. v.2

Some people opine that cinema will eventually lose its appeal to mass people and very few people will go to cinema halls. v. 2
In today’s modern world, watching movies has become one of the leisure activities for most people. However, there are a handful of people who assert that people will soon spend less time watching movies in the cinema which I disagree with. There are several factors why I do not think cinema will soon become an abundant place to visit in the near future. To begin, people in the twenty-first century prefer to go to cinema due to the reason that they want to spend their precious time with their family or friends so as to strengthen their relationships. It is one of the ways that people these days, especially the teenagers use to socialise with others. By watching a movie with friends in a cinema, they can exchange their thoughts and give comments about the movie that they watched with their friends which indirectly opening up an avenue for them to understand their peers better.   As a consequence, it is not uncommon to see most of the youngsters actually plan to go to a cinema during their gatherings nowadays. Furthermore, although there are numerous ways to download movies from the internet following the development of technology, most people still choose to go to the cinema because the sound equipment in cinema is more advanced. They like to immerse themselves in the movie as they think the story plot will be more thrilling and it can only be experienced in the cinema which is surrounded by excellent sound effects. According to the result of a recent research conducted in Columbia, most people find watching movies at home is rather boring and is not as interesting as in cinema. Thus, I believe there will not be fewer people to visit the theatre in the near future. In conclusion, I am not convinced by the argument that people will ultimately lose interest in going to the cinema as there is evidence which shows that there is an increasing trend in the number of visitors to the cinema. I believe that cinema will not be faded out, in return, it will continue to flourish in the decades to come.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern world, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
has become one of the leisure activities for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
spend less time watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
which I disagree with.

There are several factors why I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
become an abundant place to visit in the near future. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the twenty-
first
century prefer to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
due to the reason that they want to spend their precious time with their family or friends
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
strengthen their relationships. It is one of the ways that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days,
especially
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with others. By watching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
with friends in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
, they can exchange their thoughts and give comments about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
with their friends which
indirectly
opening up an avenue for them to understand their peers better.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
As a consequence, it is not uncommon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
most of the youngsters actually plan to go to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
during their gatherings nowadays.

Furthermore
, although there are numerous ways to download
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
from the internet following the development of technology, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
choose to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the sound equipment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
is more advanced. They like to immerse themselves in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the story plot will be more thrilling and it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be experienced
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
which
is surrounded
by excellent sound effects. According to the result of a recent research conducted in Columbia, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
at home is
rather
boring and is not as interesting as in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
.
Thus
, I believe there will not be fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to visit the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
in the near future.

In conclusion
, I am not convinced by the argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
ultimately
lose interest in going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
as there is evidence which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that there is an increasing trend in the number of visitors to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
will not
be faded
out, in return, it will continue to flourish in the decades to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people opine that cinema will eventually lose its appeal to mass people and very few people will go to cinema halls. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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