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Some people give more importance to artists ( painters, writers, musicians) in the current age of rapidly developing technology and science. What do you think? Do people prefer arts to technology in your view?

Some people give more importance to artists ( painters, writers, musicians) in the current age of rapidly developing technology and science. What do you think? Do people prefer arts to technology in your view? LBG9p
With the exponential increase in the development of science and technology, people are becoming less creative, social and friendly. Resultantly, some individuals give more priority to artists in this day and age in order to lead a socio-cultural life and hold the traditional values. I nonetheless deem that people should not give more importance to arts over technology. In this contemporary era, artistic activities- such as dancing, singing, painting, writing, to name but a few are considered valuable skills in that these activities help individuals to work with others in the community. This results in creating strong bonding through regular communications and cooperation. To put it simply, artists no only show their creativity and hold cultural heritage but also help to build a cooperative society. To cite an example, Japanese people give special honour to all artists of their nation, for they believe that they lead a less robotic life these days only because of high-quality dramas, songs and so on. Plausible though it may seem that artists should be given more preference for building a united and cultural community, never can they contribute to the economic development. To be more precise, without state-of-the-art technology it is next to impossible for a country to compete in the dog-eat-dog global market. Admittedly, artistic activity is essential for entertainment but it cannot help to lead n epicurean and sumptuous life. To exemplify, an empirical study conducted by Cambridge University reveals that countries that were not given value to technology are far behind in the world and are more dependent on the developed nations. In essence, much as artists and their works facilitate building a united socio-friendly state, people should give more importance to technology in order to survive and win in the cutthroat world.
With the exponential increase in the development of science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming less creative, social and friendly.
Resultantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more priority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
in this day and age in order to lead a
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-cultural
life and hold the traditional values. I nonetheless deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more importance to arts over technology.

In this contemporary era, artistic activities- such as dancing, singing, painting, writing, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few
are considered
valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in that these activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals to work with others in the community. This results in creating strong bonding through regular communications and cooperation. To put it
simply
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their creativity and hold cultural heritage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build a cooperative society. To cite an example, Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
special
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
of their nation, for they believe that they lead a less robotic life these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high-quality dramas, songs and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Plausible though it may seem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more preference for building a united and cultural community, never can they contribute to the economic development. To be more precise, without state-of-the-art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
it is
next
to impossible for a country to compete in the dog-eat-dog global market.
Admittedly
, artistic activity is essential for entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to lead n epicurean and sumptuous life. To exemplify, an empirical study conducted by Cambridge University reveals that countries that were not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
value to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are far behind in the world and are more dependent on the developed nations.

In essence, much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and their works facilitate building a united
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-friendly
state,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in order to survive and win in the cutthroat world.
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IELTS essay Some people give more importance to artists ( painters, writers, musicians) in the current age of rapidly developing technology and science. What do you think? Do people prefer arts to technology in your view?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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