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Some people get into dept by buying things they don't need and can't afford.What are the reasons for this behaviours?What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problems?

Some people get into dept by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviours? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problems? By0p
In the recent times, many people tend to live luxurious life because they want to show off to others. Many individual are in dept by purchasing things that is not necessary and can’t afford the price. To embark on, there are numerous causative factor why people are in dept. Firstly, society is becoming more materialistic, and people judge other people in terms of their property. Social status is depend on the how much money he/she have in the bank not because of their personality. For instance, people judge other based on the type of house they live, type of car they ride. Furthermore, large section of society are tempted towards this type of materialistic things because they want of follow show others, as a result, they suffer form heavy bank loan. Although people don not need these type of luxurious house or cars, but also they want these thing because they want to show others how rich they are. Many remedial solution such as awarness or education is required to solve this problem. People should be motivated towards personality development rather the materialistic property. Moreover, government should make a flexible loan settlement to their citizen, in other words, loans with minimum interest rate should be provided to their citizen to buy such luxurious items. In addition to this people should be persuaded to purchase only those thing which are important in their daily life. In conclusion, people should only purchase those things, which is affordable.
In the recent times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
luxurious life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off to others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individual are in dept by purchasing things
that is
not necessary and can’t afford the price.

To embark on, there are numerous causative
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "factors"?
factor
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in dept.
Firstly
, society is becoming more materialistic, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
judge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of their property. Social status is
Consider using a past participle here: "depended".
depend
on
Did you mean "how"?
the how
much money he/she have in the bank not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their personality.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
judge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of car they ride.
Furthermore
, large section of society
are tempted
towards this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of materialistic things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
of follow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
others,
as a result
, they suffer form heavy bank loan. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Did you mean "do not"?
don not
need these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or cars,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
Did you mean "this thing" or "these things"?
these thing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
others how rich they are.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
remedial solution such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
awarness
or education
is required
to solve this problem.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should
be motivated
towards personality development
rather
the materialistic property.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a flexible loan settlement to their citizen, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, loans with minimum interest rate should
be provided
to their citizen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
such luxurious items.
In addition
to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be persuaded
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Did you mean "this thing" or "those things"?
those thing
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in their daily life.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
those things, which is affordable.

IELTS essay Some people get into dept by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviours? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problems?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
245 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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