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Some people feel that entertainers ( e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? v.4

Some people feel that entertainers ( e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 4
Many believe personnel associated with entertainment industry are being paid extensively. I concur with this point of view, because most of these celebrities enjoy luxurious lifestyle, in comparison to those who serve the community. On one hand, if one has to guess anyone's worth, they should take a look at their living standard. Hence, whenever a Hollywood or sports celebrities' name comes up, we visualize a mansion with many exotic sports cars. This is because, most of them often, get paid ridiculously for a single event or a movie. Therefore, many youngsters, these days fantasize to become like them someday. On the other hand; however, if we take a look at professionals like doctors, engineers and teachers, we would observe that most of them belong to the middle class group of people in our country. For example, a median pay of a school teacher in U. S is around $40K, as a result, there is an extreme shortage of competent teachers. Although there are some well-known successful professionals, they also do not get as monetary benefits as famous celebrities do. In conclusion, if this wage-gap difference between well-known stars and proficient professionals continue, soon a dis-balance would emerge in society because most people would try to become famous rather than becoming competent in studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe personnel associated with entertainment industry are
being paid
extensively
. I concur with this point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of these celebrities enjoy luxurious lifestyle,
in comparison
to those who serve the community.

On one hand, if one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
guess anyone's worth, they should take a look at their living standard.
Hence
, whenever a Hollywood or sports celebrities' name
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
up, we visualize a mansion with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
exotic sports cars. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, most of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid
ridiculously
for a single
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
or a movie.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters, these days fantasize to become like them someday.

On the other hand
;
however
, if we take a look at professionals like doctors, engineers and teachers, we would observe that most of them belong to the middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in our country.
For example
, a median pay of a school teacher in U. S is around $40K,
as a result
, there is an extreme shortage of competent teachers. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
well-known successful professionals, they
also
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
as monetary benefits as
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
do.

In conclusion
, if this wage-gap difference between well-known stars and proficient professionals continue,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
a dis-balance would emerge in society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would try to become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
rather
than becoming competent in studies.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers ( e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
214 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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