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Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v.2

Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 2
Nowadays, celebrities gain more funds than other people in the society which seems to me that it is a true idea and in fact, I strongly agree with this point of view. Also, some provisions need to be well paid and gain much money than they have today as a result of the nature of their work. At the beginning, film actors, popular singers, and famous athletes have to get much money than the normal public, because they influence in the whole community and they must play an active role in changing the mindset, bad habits, and also the life of the others, especially the youths and adolescents. Moreover, they have followers who tend to do the same things like their beloved celebrity. For example, one of the famous football players appeared in an advertisement and he showed his healthy, fit body, after a while, most of the teenagers do their best to be more healthy like him, which is a good impact. In addition, this influence cannot be done if they are not gaining a lot of money. Furthermore, there are some jobs that need increment, such as health care professionals, particularly, the physicians. Being a doctor is not a simple work, because they are dealing with the health of people on a daily basis, so they have to be well paid to be more convenient and do their job efficiently and effectively. For instance, the surgeons who do a lot of operations and touch the blood of strangers just to save their lives have to gain a lot. To summarize, the government have to increase the salary of all types of jobs that affect the society, such as famous people, doctors, and engineers for the purpose of making the professions comfortable and being in a good mood for work.
Nowadays, celebrities gain more funds than other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the society which seems to me that it is a true
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and in fact, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
provisions need to be well paid and gain much money than they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
as a result
of the nature of their work.

At the beginning, film actors, popular singers, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
athletes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much money than the normal public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they influence in the whole
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
community and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play an active role in changing the mindset,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits, and
also
the life of the others,
especially
the youths and adolescents.
Moreover
, they have followers who tend to do the same things
Comparison is written 'the same ... "as"'.
like
their beloved celebrity.
For example
, one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football players appeared in an
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advertisement and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
his healthy, fit body, after a while, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
do their best to be more healthy like him, which is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impact.
In addition
, this influence cannot
be done
if they are not gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.

Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs that need increment, such as health care professionals,
particularly
, the physicians. Being a doctor is not a simple work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are dealing with the health of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on a daily basis,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be well paid to be more convenient and do their job
efficiently
and
effectively
.
For instance
, the surgeons who do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
operations and touch the blood of strangers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to save their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
gain a lot.

To summarize
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
increase the salary of all types of jobs that affect the society, such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, doctors, and engineers for the purpose of making the professions comfortable and being in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mood for work.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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