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Some people don't believe in the benefits of good diet and exercise. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people don't believe in the benefits of good diet and exercise. v. 1
Currently we humans are living in a technological world. We have surrounded ourselves with the usage of technology in everything. I completely agree that the internet gives multiple advantages, like providing information at a click of a button, but it overrides the concerns of safety and protection of our data. On one hand, technology like the internet and social networking sites are benefitting every individual in this world. We are developing technology in all areas of business in order to ease our life. For example, before Facebook and WhatsApp, communicating with people in other parts of the world was very expensive. But with the internet and the development of such sites, it enabled us to be in touch with everyone and to make friends with people from other country. On the other hand, for using these sites they ask for several permissions. And they have complete control over what you are searching or posting. It is the biggest threat of using the internet, because once you post something on the internet, it stays with them even after you delete it from your account. Also, recently many people do online financial transactions and service providers have all of your information. Even though they claim that it is the secure web page, it isn’t and there are groups of people who are there to hack those data and try to misuse it. For example, in 2018, a group of hackers hack the data of the Oberoi group of hotels and they took all the information of their guests which includes, passport data and card details. In the end, the hotel has to pay a hefty amount to settle the claim from their guests. In conclusion, although the internet provides numerous benefits, but it is coming at a cost of providing your information to the service provider. To avoid any crisis, an individual should provide as little information as they could and they should do financial transactions only through the trusted sites. At the same time, companies should ask for the requisite information only.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
we humans are living in a technological world. We have surrounded ourselves with the usage of technology in everything. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the internet gives multiple advantages, like providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
at a click of a button,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it overrides the concerns of safety and protection of our data.

On one hand, technology like the internet and social networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitting
every individual in this world. We are developing technology in all areas of business in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
our life.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
Facebook and WhatsApp, communicating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in other parts of the world was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with the internet and the development of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
, it enabled us to be in touch with everyone and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from other country.

On the other hand
, for using these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
several permissions. And they have complete control over what you are searching or posting. It is the biggest threat of using the internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once you post something on the internet, it stays with them even after you delete it from your account.
Also
, recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do online financial transactions and service providers have all of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
Even though
they claim that it is the secure web page, it isn’t and there are groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are there to hack those data and try to misuse it.
For example
, in 2018, a group of hackers
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "hacks"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'hack' is not always incorrect.)
hack
the data of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Oberoi
group of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hotels and
they took all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of their guests which includes, passport data and card
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, the hotel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay a hefty amount to settle the claim from their guests.

In conclusion
, although the internet provides numerous benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is coming at a cost of providing your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to the service provider. To avoid any crisis, an individual should provide as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
as they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
could and
they should do financial transactions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
through the trusted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
. At the same time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
the requisite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people don't believe in the benefits of good diet and exercise. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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