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Some people claim that increasing life expentancy is a direct consequence of improving medical treatments.

Some people claim that increasing life expentancy is a direct consequence of improving medical treatments. yGNnJ
Medical treatment has been steadily increasing in recent years, and there has several drawbacks from it by increasing life expentancy. I disagree with the idea that improved medical treatments are a direct result of increased life expectancy because it has some positive aspects and taking medical services and experience long life are the most important. To begin with, modern medical aids can quickly treat long-term health problems, resulting in a more flexible body that can be maintained for the rest of one's life. Regular medical problems, in particular, are now much easier to overcome than in the past because patients' bodies have fewer difficulties. Major issues such as cancer, diabetes, influenza, and other diseases, for example, can be addressed through treatment. As a consequence, patients have longer time to live. Another important factor to consider is that excellent health allows everyone to be together, such as when grandparents want to spend time with their grandkids, and it appears to help their grandchildren learn something unique like tradition, which better all generations because many parents were unable to share their life experiences with their children due to their hectic schedules. However, while increasing medical care is beneficial to lifespan, we cannot constantly rely on medical treatment due to its high cost. Firstly, medical services are extremely expensive in today's world, making it impossible for everyone to receive treatment at any one moment. For example, elderly individuals have medical issues, particularly chronic illnesses such as diabetes and blood pressure imbalances, which can be alleviated by leading a natural and healthy lifestyle. Furthermore, if seniors do not work, they will have no assets or pensions with which to fund their lifestyle, medicine, and therapies. Second, when the population expands, governments confront difficulty distributing funds to feed big groups of people, which has an impact on other sectors as well as the county's future population. To summarize, increased life expectancy includes drawbacks, such as higher costs and overcrowding; but, benefits such as illness prevention and improved health outweigh the negatives. Therefore, I strongly believe that better medical treatments completely lead to increased life expectancy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
has been
steadily
increasing in recent years, and there has several drawbacks from it by increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
Possible spelling mistake found.
expentancy
. I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
are a direct result of increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
services and experience long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
aids can
quickly
treat long-term health problems, resulting in a more flexible body that can
be maintained
for the rest of one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
problems,
in particular
, are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
much easier to overcome than in the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
patients' bodies have fewer difficulties. Major issues such as cancer, diabetes, influenza, and other diseases,
for example
, can
be addressed
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
. As a consequence, patients have longer time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to consider is that excellent health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
everyone to be together, such as when grandparents want to spend time with their
Possible spelling mistake found.
grandkids
, and it appears to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their grandchildren learn something unique like tradition, which better all generations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents were unable to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experiences with their children due to their hectic schedules.

However
, while increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care is beneficial to lifespan, we cannot
constantly
rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
due to its high cost.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
services are
extremely
expensive in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, making it impossible for everyone to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
at any one moment.
For example
, elderly individuals have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
issues,
particularly
chronic illnesses such as diabetes and blood pressure imbalances, which can
be alleviated
by leading a natural and healthy lifestyle.
Furthermore
, if seniors do not work, they will have no assets or pensions with which to fund their lifestyle, medicine, and therapies. Second, when the population expands,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
confront difficulty distributing funds to feed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which has an impact on other sectors
as well
as the county's future population.

To summarize
, increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy includes drawbacks, such as higher costs and overcrowding;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, benefits such as illness prevention and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
health outweigh the negatives.
Therefore
, I
strongly
believe that better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
completely lead to increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
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IELTS essay Some people claim that increasing life expentancy is a direct consequence of improving medical treatments.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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