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Some people claim that corporal punishment is a good way to raise children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people claim that corporal punishment is a good way to raise children. Yy28r
Some people believe that physical punishment could be used in children's training. This approach sometimes is helpful, however, I completely disagree with that and believe there are much better methods. A group of parents prefers corporal punishment as a good way to warn their children. However, this method has a quick response but it is not permanent. On the occasion, it can injure the parts of the body which have stable effects for a long time. I think there are better ways to raise children without violence such as paying penalties as a cache, some activities prohibiting or compensate for the mistakes. Also, the researches which are done in California, prove that physical punishment has a negative effect on children’s mental health. The 80% of children who have no physical punish in their childhood have no mental illness such as Phobia. The screaming scenes or shout loudly have caused a terrible fear which could be grown and convert to a Phobia. On the other hand, the children’s self-esteem will destroy by corporal punishment. I personally believe that is one of the major causes that I disagree with. Most of the time they have a secret fear that maybe they were in the wrong way or made a wrong decision. As to consequence that they cannot be independent easily and always need their parents to control them in addition that this issue can be affected their future life with their wife or husband. To conclude, although some people still believe in corporal punishment it has many negative points that can affect physical and mental health. Furthermore, I think better ways to raise children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in children's training. This approach
The adverb 'sometimes' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
sometimes is
helpful,
however
, I completely disagree with that and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
there are much better methods.

A group of parents prefers corporal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to warn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, this method has a quick response
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not permanent. On the occasion, it can injure the parts of the body which have stable effects for a long time. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without violence such as paying penalties as a cache,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities prohibiting or compensate for the mistakes.
Also
, the researches which
are done
in California,
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "proves".
prove
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental health. The 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
punish in their childhood have no mental illness such as Phobia. The screaming scenes or shout
loudly
have caused a terrible fear which could
be grown
and convert to a Phobia.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
self-esteem will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
by corporal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that is
one of the major causes that I disagree with. Most of the time they have a secret fear that maybe they were in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
or made a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision. As to consequence that they cannot be independent
easily
and always need their parents to control them
in addition
that this issue can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their future life with their wife or husband.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
in corporal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points that can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental health.
Furthermore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.

IELTS essay Some people claim that corporal punishment is a good way to raise children.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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