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Some people belive that crime is a result of social problems and poverty, other think that crime is a result of person’s nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinions. v.1

Some people belive that crime is a result of social problems and poverty, other think that crime is a result of person’s nature. v. 1
Many people say that people now consider shopping as their hobby rather than household tasks. While this trend can be positive to some extent, I would argue that it is more negative. On the one hand, shopping can be beneficial in some ways. Firstly, because of a hectic schedule at work and boredom, shopping can serve as entertaining activities to help people to relieve their stress and refresh their minds. For example, after a wearing day at school and offices, my family usually go to a shopping mall to have an enjoyable time. This can help people to reach a better living standard or even have more motivation to work more efficiently. Without shopping activities, it is hard for them to relax and to reduce work pressure. Secondly, due to huge influxes of people going shopping every day, more shopping centers and stores will be built, which have to employ a great number of workers. As a result, people may find it much easier to seek employment, which contributes to the development of the nation’s economy. On the other hand, I believe that the potential drawbacks of shopping are more significant. Primarily, since there are a great number of people having extravagant buying habits, many companies take advantage of it to increase the price of products. This may place a heavy financial burden on consumers. In addition, in order to satisfy personal hobbies of shopping, people now tend to make many purchase decisions although they do not truly need it. For instance, my sister who is an online shopping addict often purchases many clothes that she only wears once. This may lead to a waste of money. In conclusion, while shopping has several positive impacts, I agree with the idea that the drawbacks of this tendency are greater.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as their hobby
rather
than household tasks. While this trend can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I would argue that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
can be beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a hectic schedule at work and boredom,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
can serve as entertaining activities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and refresh their minds.
For example
, after a wearing day at school and offices, my family
usually
go to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall to have an enjoyable time. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to reach a better living standard or even have more motivation to work more
efficiently
. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
activities, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to relax and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
work pressure.
Secondly
, due to huge influxes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
every day, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
centers and stores will
be built
, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
employ a great number of workers.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may find it much easier to seek employment, which contributes to the development of the nation’s economy.

On the other hand
, I believe that the potential drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
are more significant.
Primarily
, since there are a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having extravagant buying habits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
take advantage of it to increase the price of products. This may place a heavy financial burden on consumers.
In addition
, in order to satisfy personal hobbies of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
decisions although they do not
truly
need it.
For instance
, my sister who is an online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
addict
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
clothes that she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wears once. This may lead to a waste of money.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the drawbacks of this tendency are greater.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people belive that crime is a result of social problems and poverty, other think that crime is a result of person’s nature. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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