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Some people think that schools schould reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvement. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think that schools schould reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvement. v. 1
Some individuals argue that the heightened price of petrol is the most effective method of tackling the problems pertaining to increasing traffic and environmental contamination. While I accept that this measure is good in some ways, I believe that there are better measures for this problem. In the one hand, I believe it is a good idea to raise the price of petrol. Intensified price of petrol may refrain city dwellers from using private vehicles, which might make a profound contribution to amelioration in air quality in major cities. For example, in countries such as Hong Kong, Norway, the Netherlands where the price of gas is the highest in the world, citizens have the tendency to use bicycles or public transport rather than using private cars. On the other hand, increasing the price of petrol has also detrimental effects on the life of people, especially those who live under poverty. The reason is that the fairly high price of gas result in an increase in the price of all kinds of goods including food and other commodities. This hence may impair their standards of living and widen the gap between the rich and the poor. However, I would argue that there are better ways of decreasing traffic congestion and simultaneously protecting the environment. The first one is to raise people’s awareness about the vital importance of preserving our planet before it is destroyed by illegal and irresponsible activities of humans. For example, the Vietnamese government annually holds the campaigns called Green Summer to spread the information as to how to shield the surroundings simply but effectively such as turning motorbike engines off when the traffic light turns red. Another measure is that governments should invest the amount of money on improving existing public transport and constructing new railways. If such forms of public transport benefit individuals, they obviously utilize them instead of using their own cars or motorbikes. In conclusion, I believe that apart form increasing the price of petrol, there are more efficacious measures to solve maladies of the modern society consisting of increasing traffic and environmental pollution.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals argue that the heightened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
is the most effective method of tackling the problems pertaining to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
and environmental contamination. While I accept that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways, I believe that there are better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
for this problem.

In the one hand, I believe it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
. Intensified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
may refrain city dwellers from using private vehicles, which might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profound contribution to amelioration in air quality in major cities.
For example
, in countries such as Hong Kong, Norway, the Netherlands where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of gas is the highest in the world, citizens have the tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
bicycles or public transport
rather
than using private cars.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
has
also
detrimental effects on the life of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
under poverty. The reason is that the
fairly
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of gas result in an increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of all kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
including food and other commodities. This
hence
may impair their standards of living and widen the gap between the rich and the poor.

However
, I would argue that there are better ways of decreasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion and
simultaneously
protecting the environment. The
first
one is to raise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s awareness about the vital importance of preserving our planet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
by illegal and irresponsible activities of humans.
For example
, the Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
annually
holds the campaigns called Green Summer to spread the information as to how to shield the surroundings
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
effectively
such as turning motorbike engines off when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
light turns red. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should invest the amount of money on improving existing public transport and constructing new railways. If such forms of public transport benefit individuals, they
obviously
utilize them
instead
of using their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cars or motorbikes.

In conclusion
, I believe that
Possible typo. Did you mean "apart from"?
apart form
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
, there are more efficacious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
to solve maladies of the modern society consisting of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
and environmental pollution.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that schools schould reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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