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In some rich countries, the number of children at secondary or high school who are taking science subjects in declining. What effect might this have on the children’s and their countries’ futures? How can children be encouraged to study science? v.1

In some rich countries, the number of children at secondary or high school who are taking science subjects in declining. What effect might this have on the children’s and their countries’ futures? How can children be encouraged to study science? v. 1
Nowadays, some individuals are of the opinion that issues related to traffic and means of commuting can be tackled through relocation of residents from the countryside to towns. In this essay, I will clarify why I disagree with this trend. Moving to cities can have detrimental effects with regards to traffic. This is because the more the people reside in cities, the greater the liability for traffic jams will be. For instance, a research, which was conducted by a team of statisticians in Berlin in 2006, revealed that the prevalence of traffic congestions almost doubled following the migration of refugees from the suburbs, and their resettlement in Berlin. Therefore, when cities become more condensed with people, traffic tends to be more problematic. In brief, the trend of relocation of citizens from the countryside to towns can be disastrous in terms of traffic escalation. In addition, if more people are motivated to live in cities, transportation problems will mount up; owing to the fact that more vacancies, in public transport, will be required to accommodate the newcomers. Consequently, the number of waiting queues will rise and means of transport will become more crowded, hence rendering problems of commuting more intensified. For this reason, encouraging people to reside in cities is vastly disadvantageous for traffic in general and public transport in particular. To conclude, although some people agree that relocation of residents to cities is an appropriate way to resolve traffic problems, I would argue that transportation issues cannot be mitigated completely by this solution.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are of the opinion that issues related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
and means of commuting can
be tackled
through relocation of residents from the countryside to towns. In this essay, I will clarify why I disagree with this trend.

Moving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can have detrimental effects
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reside in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, the greater the liability for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
jams will be.
For instance
, a research, which
was conducted
by a team of statisticians in Berlin in 2006, revealed that the prevalence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestions almost doubled following the migration of refugees from the suburbs, and their resettlement in Berlin.
Therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
become more condensed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
tends to be more problematic.
In brief
, the trend of relocation of citizens from the countryside to towns can be disastrous in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
escalation.

In addition
, if more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, transportation problems will mount up; owing to the fact that more vacancies, in public transport, will
be required
to accommodate the newcomers.
Consequently
, the number of waiting queues will rise and means of transport will become more crowded,
hence
rendering problems of commuting more intensified.
For this reason
, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to reside in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
vastly
disadvantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
in general
and public transport
in particular
.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that relocation of residents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is an appropriate way to resolve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
problems, I would argue that transportation issues cannot
be mitigated
completely by this solution.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay In some rich countries, the number of children at secondary or high school who are taking science subjects in declining. What effect might this have on the children’s and their countries’ futures? How can children be encouraged to study science? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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