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Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 2
Many folk argued that those who entertains are far more paramount than experimentalist as they always live in the limelight and enjoy luxury lifestyle, whereas scientist works in the shadow and only gain public recognition after a successful project. I completely agree with the statement, in this essay I will provide examples to support my view. To begin with, people believe that fame and wages in entertainment profession, such as fashions, cinemas or sports increase rapidly as they gain an ability to influence young generation lifestyle. To illustrate, corporate companies hire a movie star to advertise their product since youngster, who follow them will definitely buy it. So, more the fan following an celebrity have, he or she receives more attraction. Also, being a scientist is a privilege and only a few can achieve this, but they always work behind the scene and it's a rarity that their project receives countrywide recognition and they become eye of the public. For example, Mr. K Sivan the director of ISRO recently secure front page of the newspaper for successful launch of the Chandrayaan 2 mission, but before that there was no news coverage for him despite of being a director of a prestigious organization. To conclude, I totally agree that in order to become an important person one should be able to acknowledge by common people and since, due to their nature of work entertainers enjoy more public attention then scientist they able to attract more public eye and become a significant person of the society. Although, I hope that in future at least news reporter provides enough coverage that scientist deserve.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
folk argued that those who entertains are far more paramount than experimentalist as they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the limelight and enjoy luxury lifestyle, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
works in the shadow and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
recognition after a successful project. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement, in this essay I will provide examples to support my view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that fame and wages in entertainment profession, such as fashions, cinemas or sports increase
rapidly
as they gain an ability to influence young generation lifestyle. To illustrate, corporate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hire a movie star to advertise their product since youngster, who follow them will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, more the fan following
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
celebrity have, he or she receives more attraction.

Also
, being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
is a privilege and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few can achieve this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they always work behind the scene and it's a rarity that their project receives countrywide
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
recognition and
they become eye of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
.
For example
, Mr. K Sivan the director of ISRO recently secure front page of the newspaper for successful launch of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Chandrayaan
2 mission,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that there was no news coverage for him
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
being a director of a prestigious organization.

To conclude
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that in order to become an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
person one should be able to acknowledge by common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and since, due to their nature of work entertainers enjoy more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
attention
Did you mean "than"?
then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
Did you mean "they are" or "they were"?
they
able to attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
eye and become a significant person of the society.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, I hope that in future at least news reporter provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
coverage that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
deserve.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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