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Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. v.21

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. v. 21
A group of people think that the main purpose of university studies is to help their students in getting a better career. Others disagree with the opinion, as they believe that undergraduate studies give more benefits for their graduates besides better jobs. The following essay will discuss the both views in details. On the one hand, many people believe that the main goal of college studies to get a better job. This thought has been generally accepted by the public, as many companies are only hiring people who have obtained certain degrees. For example, it is common that multinational oil companies such as Shell, Chevron or Caltex will only recruit new staffs who have obtained their bachelor degree, while those who have no degrees will only be hired as general labours in small factories. As a consequence, many university students only focus on their academic studies and do not participate in any extracurricular activities, as they believe that those programs are not important. On the other hand, another group of people think that university studies give wider benefits to their students besides the career purpose. Firstly, university studies give the students a chance to enhance their talents in other fields, beside their academy studies. For instances, it is common that universities are arranging sports activities such as basketball or football. Many students have experienced the advantage of this program, which has helped them in becoming professional athletes such as Michael Jordan or Grant Hill. Secondly, universities also provide social clubs such as a speech or a leadership club which are useful for the students. Students who join these clubs will experience a lot of benefits as they learn how to interact with other people, deliver attractive presentations and how to lead an organisation. Therefore many campuses are organising and arranging these extracurricular activities and persuading their students to get involve with one of the clubs. In my opinion, although it is undeniable that the main aim of studying in university is to get a better career, I do believe that other activities that provided by the campus are also beneficial for the students. And I think that students should have a proportionate time between academic study, extracurricular activities and social life.
A group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the main purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
career. Others disagree with the opinion, as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that undergraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
give more benefits for their graduates
besides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
jobs. The following essay will discuss the both views in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the main goal of college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
job. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
has been
generally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by the public, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have obtained certain degrees.
For example
, it is common that multinational oil
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
such as Shell, Chevron or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Caltex
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
recruit new staffs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have obtained their bachelor degree, while those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have no degrees will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
be hired
as general
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
factories. As a consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
focus on their academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and do not participate in any extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that those programs are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, another group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
give wider benefits to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
besides
the career purpose.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
give the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a chance to enhance their talents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields, beside their academy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. For instances, it is common that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are arranging sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as basketball or football.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have experienced the advantage of this program, which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them in becoming professional athletes such as Michael Jordan or Grant Hill.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
also
provide social clubs such as a speech or a leadership club which are useful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
these clubs will experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits as they learn how to interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, deliver attractive presentations and how to lead an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
campuses are
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
and arranging these extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and persuading their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involve with one of the clubs.

In my opinion, although it is undeniable that the main aim of studying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
career, I do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that provided by the campus are
also
beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. And I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have a proportionate time between academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and social life.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
55Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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