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Some people believe that young people should spend their time with their family and less entertainment outside home. Others disagree with that. Discuss both of views.

Some people believe that young people should spend their time with their family and less entertainment outside home. Others disagree with that. dDo0P
Some people believe that young people should spend their time with their families and less entertainment outside home, while Others disagree with that. I will now discuss about both views. First of all, I think young people should spend their time with their family. One of the main reason for this is due to their environment atmosphere. I mean, who they are talking with, and, who they are walking with outside. However, outside home young people spend their time doing some kind of things which are extremely wasteful and useless. Such as playing, smoking, drinking, doing some kind of things, which are wasting time. On the other hand, some young people spend their time working outside home. Because there are many families who have problems with the financial side. In conclusion, i believe that young people should spend their time with their family instead of spending their time doing some kind of things which are so useless, wasteful and so on outside home. I think it will be very nice when young people spend their time with their family as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and less entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
home, while Others disagree with that. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Did you mean simply "discuss both"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about both
views.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. One of the main reason for this is due to their environment atmosphere. I mean, who they are talking with, and, who they are walking with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of things which are
extremely
wasteful and useless. Such as playing, smoking, drinking, doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of things, which are wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
home.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
who have problems with the financial side.
In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
instead
of spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of things which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
useless, wasteful and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
home. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
nice when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
well

IELTS essay Some people believe that young people should spend their time with their family and less entertainment outside home. Others disagree with that.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
180 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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